Show me your broken heart and all your scars, I’ll take you as you are

Scrolling through Instagram, admiring all the beautiful people and their enviable lives, I came across an account that had posted a screen shot of an article written for Vice. The title grabbed my eye “How to come to terms with your attraction to fat girls“, if you, like I, are a fat girl I urge you to read this article. It is honest and insightful, in fact I urge you to read it no matter your gender or dress size.
This well written, no woe-is-me post had me interested immediately. As a plus size woman I have often felt marginalised and fetishised. When I was a teenager and even into my early twenties, no one wanted to admit to fancying the fat girl. We are perceived as taboo. Something you wouldn’t tell you mates you searched for on the internet let alone be someone you willingly wanted to have a relationship with. We are sexualised into a category of BBW (Big Beautiful Women), rather than taken on our own merits of just being a beautiful woman, why is the “big” necessary? Reading further into the article I came across a quote that I have felt so many times over the past ten or so years –

“I’m ashamed that you might be ashamed of my body.”

Whilst I am beginning to come to terms with who I am and what my body looks like, that sentence is something that plagues me. I have always been worried that other people will be embarassed of my body. I have spent far too long worrying that my size will make others feel uncomfortable. Society says there is something wrong with the way I look, it tells others to feel shame if they find someone that looks like me, attractive. Larger women were celebrated and desired until the diet industries dug their money grabbing claws in and ripped away women’s self worth. We allowed this to happen and it amazes me that we still haven’t seen the light over a century later.
The media tells us that if we as women, are to find love and be adored by others, we must at first conform to a certain body type. This is sad, misguided and dangerous. We are cultivating generation after generation of self loathing and eating disorders. Striving to look like the women in the magazines who don’t even look like those women is unattainable and yet we keep falling for the same ploy.
I am trying to be less judgemental and more accepting of my body. I am worthy of love and the fact that I am fat should make no difference. The western world needs to stop shaming women who don’t fit into one ‘ideal’ category, because the majority of us do not fit this label. I have been body-shaming myself. Myself. The one person who is meant to love me unconditionally is me but I have been cruel and dismissive. We need to teach empowerment and acceptance at an early age instead of fear and prejudice. Teaching girls and boys from the beginning that their body type does not define them as a person could help in reducing anxiety, depression, self harm and eating disorders.
The way we look has overtaken the way we act as the gold standard of being a human, and that terrifies me. We all need to learn to be a little kinder than we have to be. It would stop me being publicly shamed for the way I look, and this has happened far too many times in my life. I have been made to feel bad about myself due to the fact that someone else feels uncomfortable with my appearance.
However, I feel like we are beginning to turn a corner and accept people as people and not as a dress size. With incredible women like Tess Holliday and the #effyourbeautystandards movement, tides are changing.
Here are 5 women who inspire body confidence:

Tess Holliday

Courtney Mina

Cailey Darling

Mellisa

Natalie

These are just a few of the gorgeous humans that remind me each day that it is possible to be fat and beautiful, intelligent and loved, sexy and a good role model. People shouldn’t be shamed by their attraction to larger bodies in the same way that people with larger bodies shouldn’t be shamed because they aren’t slim. When it comes down to it, the old adage of “If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all” comes into play. A little more positive reassurance and compassion for one another would go a long way to changing peoples attitudes.

I’ll always be there for you, girl I have no shame.

(I do not own these images).

You hid there last time, you know we’re gonna find you

I have always been the fat girl. Even as a child I was plump, but then I have always enjoyed my food. Over the years I have become more accepting of my self and embraced the person that I am. I have always been fairly outgoing and I have never really cared for the opinions of sheep. I will wear my giant bows with utter glee and plaster myself in glitter and not have a care that my pink hair clashes wildly with my red top. Of course there are days when I yearn for the size 12 life…but on the whole, I am happy with me.
Unfortunately though, we live in a society where people think that it is acceptable to voice their opinions on your physical appearance. And the comments I always receive from strangers are never nice. These people don’t know me and have never even bothered to get to know me before they open their mouths to voice their derogatory opinion of me. I am not sure why or when they decided that it was okay to say these mean spirited thoughts out loud so I can hear them before laughing with their mates. I am appalled that we live in a society the allows and encourages this to happen.
Throughout school I had daily comments about my weight with things like “oh, you just blocked out the sunlight” to being called Obelix (from Asterix and Obelix), with everything in between. When I was in junior school it would make me cry. When I was in secondary school it would make me sad but ultimately angry. Thankfully when I went to college people had got over themselves a little and I hardly ever heard a comment. I don’t care what these people say about me out of ear shot – hell, I don’t really care what they say when I am in ear shot these days. But I don’t understand why these people feel the need or the permission to comment upon my body. Yes, I am over weight. No, that does not give you carte blanche to say whatever nasty comment pops into your head – all for a cheap laugh from your friends. These ill educated people don’t see me as a complex human being with feelings or a personality – they just see the word ‘fat’. That word does not define me as a human being, just like the word ‘blonde’ does not define a person. It is idiotic to think that a person can be defined by one word – and that is what I find these people to be, idiotic.
The reason I have chosen to write this post is due to an incident the other day. Whilst minding my own business and walking the dog, I saw one guy shout to his mate “Oi, this one’s for you” before his friend rushed round from the other side of their work van to laugh at me. In that moment I was made to feel uncomfortable, upset and ashamed. Why was it so funny that I could be considered attractive to someone? I am not a cyclops with a dragon tail – I am just fatter than the average woman. Then something clicked in me (and I became my dad), I took a photo of their sign written work van so I could make a formal complaint about their behavior. When taking the photo one of the men saw and began clapping at me as if he found the whole saga very amusing. I emailed the company:

Hello, I would like to be put in touch with the head of your company as I would like to make a formal complaint about the behaviour of 2 of your staff towards me today. When minding my own business walking my dog, 2 members of your staff muttered something about my appearance and began laughing. This made me feel incredibly uncomfortable and upset. When taking a photo of the van so I could report their behaviour one of the men started clapping as if this was amusing. The behaviour was unnecessary and unwarranted.
I await your reply,  Lydia.

They responded the next morning with this very cordial reply:

Dear Lydia,
firstly we would like to thank you for contacting us regarding this incident and giving us the opportunity to respond.
Having spoken to the members of staff involved, we would like to assure you that behavior like this is not acceptable and would like to offer our sincere apologies.
Their actions are not representative of *company name* and as a result both have formally been written to.
By way of apology we would like to send you a token gesture if you’d be kind enough to provide us with an address.
Kindest regards
*managing directors*

Now, as nice as this is – I never stated where or who these staff members were. So I am left to assume that the men either fessed up or this is a very small company. However, I emailed them back with a “thanks for taking this seriously” and “your staff members need to be aware that one flippant comment from them can ruin another persons day entirely”, my house address also included.
This morning there was a knock at the door and a man with a massive bouquet of flowers – lovely. Yet, falling at the last hurdle: he asked for and had addressed the card to a LINDA. Really?!
The flowers in no way make up for the way those men made me feel but contacting the company and informing them that their staff are more than lacking in professionalism made me feel a little proactive. If this should ever happen to you, whether you are a plus size lady or a svelt size 10 – you can report these people on building sites to their company and if you feel it necessary, the police. Construction workers up and down the country are being suspended and sometimes even sacked (when warranted) due to this unacceptable behavior. If you would like to know more there is a website called Stop Street Harassment, it ‘ is a nonprofit organization dedicated to documenting and ending gender-based street harassment worldwide’. The website has everything from statistics to ideas on how to teach people to be aware of street harassment. Unfortunately this type of incident for me is not unique, with another massive building site just round the corner from me that I actively avoid due to remarks being made previously about my appearance.
As I have stated, I am not one to dwell upon others negative comments all that much, but when I know that I am more than likely going to hear a comment or a sarcastic sneer that sometimes penetrates my armor and breaks off a little piece of self worth, I tend to avoid those situations when I can.
I want to reiterate though that the comments I get are not always from those on building sites, but from random people on the streets. I was recently in a restaurant with my family when a man who was old enough to know better was staring at me. Okay, so I have pink hair and I was wearing leopard print (I get that I am not a shrinking violet), but that is no reason for this man to just stare at me for a good 5 minutes. I kept looking at the man too, as most people will feel shame and look away when realising they have been caught, not this guy. Another woman on a different day was so busy staring at me she tripped over something and almost face planted the floor. Have these people no decorum? As I have said before, I just have a few more curves than others, I don’t have 7 arms! I don’t often notice these people looking because I am too busy having a life whilst they gawp, but my mother sometimes tells me, which only leads me to remind her that they are staring at my magnificence.
Only when you know a person should you ever feel able to judge that person and even then, it really isn’t up to you to criticise anyone on their appearance. Until you have lived their life and shared their experiences you have no idea what those comments could do to a person.
Thankfully I grew up in a town where almost anything goes. Brighton is a hub of diversity and cosmopolitan living, so I don’t think I have had it as badly as other plus size girls have. I recently read an account by a woman called Rebecca on her blog and how she suffered at the hands of bullies for years all because of how she looked rather than getting to know the person she is. It is devestating that this woman had to endure all of this hate, not because she was a horrible person but due to being larger than her peers. I have thankfully always had a group of friends that have always accepted me, fat and all. They have never made me feel like I am less than them or that I can’t do anything because of my appearance. If anything, all they have ever been is supportive (enduring fad diet after diet). Unfortunately, others aren’t as lucky as I and these comments become their living hell of which they have to endure each and every day. And if you’re reading this thinking “just go on a diet and do some more exercise then!”, you need to reassess what you think you know. It isn’t that simple for most of us as the real problem is more psychological than it is eating 27 McDonalds a day. Being over weight is an eating disorder which is not really recognised in they way that anorexia is – but the cause and effect are very similar.
Thankfully being fat is becoming a little less taboo and women like Tess Munster with her #effyourbeautystandards movement and Gabi Fresh (my new lady crush) are pushing the boundaries and showing the world that we are just as beautiful, sexy and well dressed as a size 12 woman, we just have a few extra curves.
When finding some photos of me to put at the end of this post (that aren’t just head shots like I usually use), I have also come to the realisation that I am happier with the way that I am than I thought I was.
I hope none of you ever experince the ridicule and cruelty that I have sometimes had to endure for no other reason than looking a different way to how others think I should. It is naive to think that one day it won’t matter how we look and that we will be assessed on our character instead, but I hope that we all become a little more tolerant to one another.
Being a plus size woman is not a crime.