I have all of these blog posts planned out and researched, but I just don’t want to write any of them today. I thought I would just sit here and see what happens. Today I am having a crappy day. I was awoken by having a panic attack, yes the way every girl wishes to arise from her slumber. I have boring things that need to be achieved, such as the online food shopping and the scrubbing of the kitchen. And now it’s raining. I am feeling all Cinders in tatters right now. Yes, I know…moan moan moan. But this is my place to be as melancholic as I like, you chose to come here!
Loud music has cheered me a little, but the exasperated sighs still escape my lips. I cannot snap out of it today. I am sad. And one day, I know that flowers will once again grow in the saddest parts of me, but in the quiet moments I am alone and it is the dead of winter. I haven’t been here since my last post because I find it too confronting. This is the place I come to be honest and at the moment I sometimes have to live in the lie to stop myself from breaking. I haven’t been honest with myself.
I know that some days are going to be harder than others, and I have managed to move on from taking it hour by hour to day by day. The swirling vortex is not as prevalent as it was in the earlier days, but it still lingers like a shadow; always dark and one step behind you. Something you cannot run from. My personal menace. Some days are just sad, so unbearably sad. And I am tired of having to endure, for six long years I have endured. I would like a moment to catch my breath.
Today I have let the darkness consume and pursue me, tomorrow I will try to capture it and stuff it back down, deep inside. Tomorrow I will carry on.
(I do not own this image)
Belle of the Bluegrass 