Maybe I’ll find something real, not a fantasy so divine

It’s almost my twentysixth birthday. There will be more to come at the end of the month regarding how that truly makes me feel. Your midtwenties are weird, you feel the sense of getting older and more pressing responsibilities and yet there are other moments when you still feel like a teenager.
To combat my vague sense of impending doom, I have compiled a list of lovely things I would like to receive for my birthday. Because, who doesn’t like presents?!
Here is a link to my wishlistr page, where (if you feel so inclined) you can buy me wonderful things without duplicating with other friends and family.

Prints:

I love a good print and I try to only buy original pieces. Art that someone has taken the time to make themselves rather than a stock photo. These wondrous pieces are all on Etsy, and are all really affordable. The dinosaur is so cute and witty. I asked my friends on Facebook whether I needed the Shia LaBeouf print as much as I think I do, the general consensus was a resounding HELL YES! (although it was a resounding hell no! off of Facebook, but what do they know?!..). If you know me well or happened to stumble across my Wednesday Addams post, you’ll be familiar with my pure and resounding love for this awesome character. A great role model for girls and women alike, to true be yourself no matter what everyone else is doing.

Books/written word:

My name is Lydia, and I cannot stop buying books. The feel, the smell and the excitement resonating from some paper with words typed across them is something I relish in every time a new book comes to live with me. I read their stories, I fall in love and then they become my friend, sat upon my fully loaded bookshelves. Bookworms like I will understand this, I promise. And then there is Darling magazine, with their mission statement of “Darling is the art of being a woman”, “Darling is a catalyst for positive change; leading women to discover beauty apart from vanity”. Checkout their website to read all about their full mission. A magazine that is articles and essays about womanhood and inspirational women. None of the photos used in the magazine have been retouched and they use real women, you aren’t being subjected to the images the mass media want you to absorb until you feel bad about yourself.

Accessories (part one):

In my family it is a tradition to adorn your wrists with silver bangles. My grandma always wore hers, my mother always wore hers and now my sister and I jingle and jangle, our right wrists always adorned by our own set. I like how we each have our own unique melody, if you know us well enough you will always know who is coming round the corner. I have been looking for a thin hammered bangle for ages, and this one is lovely.
These three incredibly cute, by way of witchy, enamel badges I also found on Etsy. Perfect to add a little gothy twist to my already entirely black outfits…
These Pansy temporary tattoos have had me lusting over them for around two years now. I haven’t got around to buying them because they’re fairly expensive for what they are. And always “do I really need them?” is swimming around in my head…I mean you’ve all seen what I want so far right? It’s a sensible red cord in my brain.
A big fan of BloodyMaryMetal, I have been coveting this pricey but beautiful piece of jewellery for a long while now. I love that now my generation have gotten older, there are fine pieces of jewellery and accessories made for the alternative kids who aren’t ever ready to let go. For those of us who will forever be low key emo.

Pretties that hold things:

Terrariums are back in style and thank god because I have been after one for ages. Thankfully with the rise in popularity they are now much cheaper than when I first wanted one. The copper lined ones are particularly lovely.
I was shown the company that sell these bags on Amazon around a month ago, and have been lusting after this gorgeous overnight bag ever since. Pricey (although on sale) and made of real leather, its gorgeous. Living where I live often means having to stay elsewhere when I go on a night out and due to some new circumstances in my life, it means I shall be staying elsewhere more often and I would much rather do it with this beauty beside me.
In true magpie style I own a tonne of jewellery and I am always looking for more places to store it. I already have one of these clear acrylic draws but I could always do with another one. If I can see all of my jewellery I am more inclined to remember I have it and therefore wear it more often.
This lovely, thick notebook is the exact same one I bought for my sister for Christmas; and the exact same one she almost didn’t end up with because I wanted to keep it too much. I was expertly talked out of keeping hers, but I still want my own version.

Accessories (part two):

A friend recently showed me her newly purchased Gwen Stefani X Urban Decay palette and it was glorious. Mostly beautiful neutral/gold tones with a couple of vampy brighter shades; it truly is a masterpiece.
I already own a trioshade of purple rose flower crown from the masterful Crown and Glory, but then I saw this majestic navy one and I think that needs to come and live with me too. I have already chosen a gigantic glittery bow from them that I plan to wear for my birthday. However, for my everyday glitter needs these adorable glitter star bobby-pins are a must!
Jo Malone perfume is a very frivolous luxe product. So expensive for a small amount of perfume, but the Peony and Blush Suede is delicious. An incredible floral scent that is almost identical to my favourite perfume that was discontinued by Stella McCartney.

Misc.:
I have been planning to make myself one of these for ages, but for one reason or another I just haven’t gotten around to it yet. This pentagram harness is everything a mid-twenties goth girl desires…and this one is studded people!!!
After seeing a friend from school get a tattoo from this lady I have been obsessed with her work. Rebecca Vincent works at Parliament Tattoo in London, and the picture above is pretty spot on for the tattoo I must have and have been searching for for five years. This ladies work is pure magic and just simply perfection.

All the things listed in this blog post are on my wishlist with links and prices for your own perusal. Or if you happen to be my mysterious and unfathomably rich benefactor, to buy me for my birthday.

you’re the kind of person I wanna be with when I want to be alone

And I’m back again. It feels good and the sky is blue with bursts of sunshine, winters wink to remind us Spring isn’t far now. As part of my self appointed blogging goals, I have five posts to write this month and this is my second. Something I haven’t done in a while is share with you the “cultural” things I am loving at current. So allow me to take you on a mystical, mostly crime related journey.
Let us begin with Podcasts:

Serial: I have written about Serial before, the true crime podcast to come from This American Life. The first story was completely immersive and gripping and the second installment proves to be nothing short of that that came before. This time we follow Bowe Bergdahl – a US Army soldier held captive by the Taliban for five years. Bergdahl’s legal case is being tried by ‘general court-martial on charges of desertion and misbehavior before the enemy’. As well as following the case, Serial is giving us someback ground from both Bowe and members of the Taliban.
Undisclosed: This podcast is almost a continuation from Serial’s first season when we learned about Adnan Syed’s case. A more in-depth look at the legal side of Syed’s case and updates on his upcoming hearing. Not quite as narrator fed as its precursor but fascinating to listen to if you, like I, am hooked by this forever contradictory story.
Welcome to Night Vale: I’m not going to lie, this podcast is all kinds of strange, but that’s the charm of it. Reminiscent of War of the Worlds with a whole bunch more satire thrown in for good measure. I am only a couple of episodes into this podcast which is presented like a radio show. Offering you all kinds of weird and wonderful announcements and advertisements as well as news for a deserted desert town. Joseph Fink said that he “came up with this idea of a town in that desert where all conspiracy theories were real, and we would just go from there with that understood.”
The Gilmore Guys: Hilarious podcast hosted by two guys in their early twenties. They have taken it upon themselves to watch all the Gilmore Girls episodes and review them through a podcast. Kevin Porter is a long time fan of the show whilst Demi Adejuyigbe is watching them all for the first time. This podcast largely consists of wild tangents, pop-culture references and Emily Gilmore appreciation. I often find myself laughing out loud when listening. For those of you with a deep love of the Gilmore Girls and for those that have never even watched an episode. If you want to be amused and entertained I cannot recommend this podcast enough. I am currently listening to them work through season three of the show and not once have I been disappointed by the Gilmore Guys.

TV:

Making a Murderer: Netflix’s new true crime ten part documentary is thrilling. I loved every second of it and couldn’t bear for it to end, the ups and downs coupled with the crippling injustice of America’s legal service had me hooked. It is the most compelling true crime series I have watched in a while, and even though I really enjoyed the UK’s offering of The Murder Detectives, nothing has had me glued like this did. It follows the story of Steven Avery after he is released from an eighteen year prison sentence for a rape he never committed. Steven takes the Manitowoc County police to court to sue them for the time he spent in prison for something he never did. The police’s many damning failures become more and more obvious and then all of a sudden Steven is arrested for murder. The story becomes so much more outrageous, desperate and ultimately sad that you won’t want to look away either. I urge everyone to watch this show (especially if you’re a fan of Serial).
And Then There Were None: If you know me/have ever read this blog before, you will probably know what a huge Poirot fan I am. In general I am a sucker for anything Agatha Christie – murders, mystery and set in the 1930s, I want in! So along came the BBC with their three part adaptation of this Christie novel; dark and gripping from beginning to end. An amazing cast with Charles Dance and the ever beautiful Aidan Turner and Douglas Booth. Gorgeous backdrop and set dressing and all of the familiar Agatha Christie masterminded mystery and intrigue.
Scorpion: I have always loved a fluffy ‘consultant for the FBI’ type show. You know the ones, where the consultant is smarter and pithier than their FBI counterpart. When the protagonists have all the access and benefits of being in the FBI without having to stick to all the strict rules of the law. Scorpion follows and rag-tag team of geniuses, a pretty single mother who is not herself a genius, and her exceptionally gifted child. They all band together to help catch criminal masterminds and people in need of rescuing. Action packed, funny and an all round easy watch.

Shadowhunters, The Mortal Instruments: I read this series of books a while back. They follow a tiny flame haired girl named Clarey, who up until one day thought she was mortal. Oh how she was wrong. The books and subsequent film join Clarey whilst she tries to navigate her way through a world of warlocks, werewolves and demons. High fantasy meets contemporary, I am so excited for the TV series to come to Netflix this month. However, I would definitely recommend reading the books too.
Pretty Little Liars: The impeccably dressed crime fighting, mystery busting ladies are back on Netflix for the second part of series six next week. The new chapter of the show is set 5 years into the future from where we last left off and A was finally revealed (much to the disappointment of many, including myself). I am looking forward to see where the story is taking us next and where all of the girls are now that A is out of their lives.

Films:

Dear White People: I haven’t watched that many films lately, what with all the podcasts and documentaries, but I did watch this one and I really enjoyed it. A satirical drama, which is beautifully filmed and heavily influenced by Wes Anderson in style. This film follows the building racial tensions at an Ivy League university in America and the reaction once main protagonist Sam White is elected Head of House for Armstrong/Parker – the all black house on campus. The story also follows three other black students and their individual struggles with being black at largely white dominated university. When the son of the schools president and his house come up with a ‘black face’ themed party, tensions boil over and confrontations lead to a fight. Whilst tackling modern day racism this film is also amusing and so beautifully shot. Definitely worth a watch.

Books:

Fangirl: I was in a reading slump for months and I just could not get into any books, and then I picked up a Rainbow Rowell book and everything changed. Fangirl is the second contemporary YA book that I read by Rowell and I loved it. Following the trials and tribulations of being a bookish introvert, Cath, when first starting university – whilst your identical twin seems to be navigating the new world just perfectly. Then along comes the forever smiling Levi and an unlikely friendship in her gruff roommate and things start change a little for Cather. A fanfic writing wiz, Cath is often stuck in her own head in the world of Simon Snow and Baz. Until the people around her slowly start to expand her world to include Simon, Baz and everyone else. A really lovely read with a follow on book: Carry On, which is the completed work of fanfic that Cath is writing throughout the book.
Eleanor & Park: One of the best books I have ever read. The story follows curvy flame-haired Eleanor and her friendship-turned-romance with a boy called Park. Eleanor’s home life is miserable and her new school is proving hard to fit in at. She doesn’t know how not to stand out as much as she would like to. With her mass of hair and patched jeans, Park would really like her to sit anywhere else on the bus that day. However, the seat next to him and his comic books is the only place left. Eventually the pair become friends and then something more. This book is a beautiful story of a damaged girl finding deep and desperate love with a boy she sits next to on the bus and makes her mix-tapes of The Smiths. Sad and a little haunting, I cannot tell you how much I need everyone to read this book. I cried when I finished it, not because it was sad but because it was over and I related to those characters so much, it was grief I felt when it was over.
Walking on Sunshine, 52 small steps to happiness: This book was a very kind and thoughtful gift from someone who knows I suffer from both anxiety and depression. Filled with short anecdotes/essays from a lady who has also tried to overcome these mental health issues. It’s a book I have dipped in to here and there (the book is split into seasons and then chapters within the seasons) and always found something helpful or at least relatable. I have acquired another breathing technique which has already proved to be helpful. Only a small book it is very manageable and not preachy at all, a gift idea for anyone you know that may suffer with the ‘black dog’ and/or anxiety.
All the Bright Places: I haven’t actually read this book yet, it only turned up on my doorstep this morning and I have been to busy blogging to even open it yet but I am excited to read it. The Guardian pegs it as the next The Fault In Our Stars, and that’s a pretty good hook. The front cover says “The story of a girl who learns to live from a boy who wants to die”. The story and friendship of Violet and Finch begins on the ledge of the school bell tower.

These are books that I want to read, so I thought I would include a small synopsis of them all.
This is Where it Ends: a contemporary YA novel about a school shooting. This book follows four students throughout the fifty four minutes of a school shooting. I don’t know a whole lot more about it currently but I have an interest in school shootings and the chance to understand them better, even if only fictional, intrigues me. The concept of different characters telling the story of a shooting is similar to one of my favourite books by Jodi Picoult: 19 Minutes.
Maximum Ride Forever: I was very pleasantly surprised when this book was released as I thought the last book was the finale in the story of Max and her gang of human/bird hybrids. The ninth book in the popular YA series sees Max and the flock seeking answers to the post-apocalyptic world they now inhabit. I think I was around fifteen when I started this journey with Max, Fang and the others and I am very excited to read the (hopefully not last) encore to this story.
Dumplin’: A book that is described as “a book for fans of John Green and Rainbow Rowell” instantly has my attention, pair that with the fact the protagonist is a fat girl and I am definitely needing this book. “With starry Texas nights, red candy suckers, Dolly Parton songs, and a wildly unforgettable heroine”. I love the fact that Willodean Dickson is at home in her fat body and knows that all it takes to get a bikini body is to put one on your body. It doesn’t sound like a whiny “I’m fat so I’ll lose weight and then the boys will like me” book. This sounds like an unapologetic self appreciation book and I need it now!

Music:

Mikky Ekko – Time
Placebo – Every me, Every You
Justin Bieber – Sorry
All very different from one another, so take a listen and let your ears be rewarded with joy.

Wow, that was a rather mammoth post, well done for getting to the end. I hope some inspiration in one or all of these categories was obtained. If anyone else has watched Making a Murderer, please tell me your thoughts, I need to know what other people think. Have you signed the petition?

I’d wait here for you but there’s nothing more now I can do

I have all of these blog posts planned out and researched, but I just don’t want to write any of them today. I thought I would just sit here and see what happens. Today I am having a crappy day. I was awoken by having a panic attack, yes the way every girl wishes to arise from her slumber. I have boring things that need to be achieved, such as the online food shopping and the scrubbing of the kitchen. And now it’s raining. I am feeling all Cinders in tatters right now. Yes, I know…moan moan moan. But this is my place to be as melancholic as I like, you chose to come here!
Loud music has cheered me a little, but the exasperated sighs still escape my lips. I cannot snap out of it today. I am sad. And one day, I know that flowers will once again grow in the saddest parts of me, but in the quiet moments I am alone and it is the dead of winter. I haven’t been here since my last post because I find it too confronting. This is the place I come to be honest and at the moment I sometimes have to live in the lie to stop myself from breaking. I haven’t been honest with myself.
I know that some days are going to be harder than others, and I have managed to move on from taking it hour by hour to day by day. The swirling vortex is not as prevalent as it was in the earlier days, but it still lingers like a shadow; always dark and one step behind you. Something you cannot run from. My personal menace. Some days are just sad, so unbearably sad. And I am tired of having to endure, for six long years I have endured. I would like a moment to catch my breath.
Today I have let the darkness consume and pursue me, tomorrow I will try to capture it and stuff it back down, deep inside. Tomorrow I will carry on.

(I do not own this image)