Like everyone, sometimes my thoughts consume me; they whoosh and whip past me, dragging me down with the inertia. It is then that I know I need to be still and quiet, to numb my mind and everything else and wait it out in the dimmest light. If I cannot still the ghosts and demons inside of my mind then the tsunami of anxiety begins to swell inside of me, giving off small adrenaline ripples before the surf of the main waves hits. At one given time I can be happy, sad, excited and numb. The monsters in my head are waging a full blown war with me, and the worst part is that I am both sides of this fight. These maleficent creatures that stroll around my thoughts whether I’m awake or dreaming are all me. Hateful and wicked, vicious and destructive – my own mind attacking itself.
It’ll be a year next month since my mother passed and the gaping hole inside of me, torn by the cataclysmic event, is just as empty eleven months later. Other parts of me have sparkled and danced and sung in the wake of losing her, but I always wonder if they would shine a little brighter still if she were here. My mum would have been the person I would have discussed and confided in about the new and exciting or scary and overwhelming moments, navigating them on my own is harder than I ever thought. My canary sings no more.
There have been some big moments in my life in the last eleven months and not having my initial port of call to tell about these things can often crush me. This new year is going to be hard. There are lots of facets that need to be attended to in my life, but by far the biggest hurdle is being genetically tested for the same cancer gene that killed both my mother and my grandma. I have so many wonderful people in my life that love me and will support me through everything and I am so grateful for this. Grief would be much harder without love. As hard as they all band together and try to patch up the chasm, there are still chinks and cracks where the darkness is still visible. And the sadness is always lurking.
February is going to be a hard month, my birthday, my dad’s birthday, my mum’s birthday combined with the anniversary of her death. So bear with me over the next few weeks; the tone may be dark but some days I can almost taste the spring. I just need to hunker down, and push forward flanked by my forever encouraging support system.
A thank you is owed to those that help me remember my mum and how fabulous she was by enveloping me into the circle of friends she created. To the one that listens to me cry, doesn’t judge me and softly tells me awful jokes. And the others that just drop me a line with everything else going on in their lives to make sure that I’m alright.
I can almost hear my mum encouraging me with a “you can do it Duffy Moon”.
Belle of the Bluegrass 