My heart is pounding, I don’t want to be in my skin

My anxiety has been horrendous this past week, it hasn’t been this bad in a very long time. Multiple daily panic attacks have exhausted me and made me think at certain points, that I am losing my damn mind. I have a phobia of the doctors, but I dragged myself there feeling the weight of even more anxiety take hold of my body, because I needed help. I needed reassurance that I am not insane, my brain just works a little differently. I like my GP, I always ask to see her because she makes me feel a little safer in a situation I am petrified of. However, I was a little annoyed at being met with “your mum was such a positive lady, you should try being positive like her”. This is not the first time I have been to the doctors about my anxiety, it’s on my notes, I spoke to her about it previously. This isn’t a case of being overwhelmed in life, as we all get, this is an on going mental health issue that I feel was dismissed a little. She asked if I had had counselling before, and I have. I had counselling to support me when I was my mum’s carer and then I was given twelve grief counselling session by the same organisation after my mother’s passing. I am not ashamed to say that I had therapy and that it really helped me. I am ashamed of the government that says I cannot have any more help in this nature because I have already had some. My demons have not been quelled and I have been sent away with some Diazepam, which I will gladly take but this is not a long term solution to my ongoing struggle.
I understand that it can be hard for those that haven’t had a panic attack before to understand quite how debilitating they can be. You may also not realise that often, there is no warning and no definitive trigger; but the feeling is devastating.
The amount of adrenaline that has surged and assaulted every nerve ending in my body this week has left me achy and uncomfortable. Barely eating for six days because I felt so nauseous whilst being so tightly wound that I couldn’t concentrate on making food let alone anything else. The impending sense of doom forever clinging to me, unable to shake this beast, clawing at my skin and tampering with my mind. My thoughts were on overdrive, warp-speed, a light year ahead of my body, which at times was almost paralysed by crippling fear. I spent a lot of my time crying, my legs unstable due to the jelly like consistency they had taken on. Heart racing and thumping in my chest, a rhythmic drumming to the miserable dark tunnel I was stuck in. I felt like I was going to pass out. Panic attacks don’t last longer than five minutes, but trust me, when the fear grabs hold each second feels like an eternity. It’s a long time to try and breathe through when you feel like your skeleton may literally break free of your body. The adrenaline subsides for a while as your rational brain takes over piloting and usually it’ll be smooth sailing for a good while. This week, every time I can see land and think its plain sailing from here, Liam Neeson utters “release the Kraken” and I am plunged back into the depths of fear.
I write about my experience with anxiety fairly regularly, but it is part of my life unfortunately. Anyone suffering with mental health issues should be able to feel comfortable enough to voice their struggles without being judged for them. My hair and  makeup may be done, and there are many people in this world that have been through way worse than I have; but that doesn’t make my internal combat any less valid. If medical professionals are essentially just saying “cheer up love”, what hope do we have of making this a more open and less trivialised conversation? With one third of all people suffering with mental health problems at some point in their lives, that’s a massive percentage of us not being given the support we need. Thankfully my boyfriend, family and friends are very supportive, even if they don’t get it, they believe me and are willing to listen to me possibly sounding like a lunatic. They are not dismissive of the black cloud that sometimes follows me around, perpetually ready for a storm. These wonderful people listen, they make me laugh and ultimately they remind me that I am not mad, I am a strong and rational woman who’s brain occasionally misfires and tangles itself in knots.
The battles within our minds can be tough ones to weather, especially when you’re essentially fighting against yourself. It can be all consuming and very draining to constantly argue with yourself whilst trying to look sane to those around you.
Always be a little kinder than you have to be, as you never know what individual wars people are fighting.

(I do not own this image).

Take a deep breath and say it loud – never can, never will, can’t hold us down

Women inspire and empower me daily. I wrote about wanting to start this series in my last blog post (yes, there was meant to be one in between…I was without internet for five days. Not by choice). Since then I have compiled a list of questions that I have asked some of my favourite ladies to fill in. Thankfully they were all up for the challenge and I’m really excited about reading their responses and I hope you will be too. I wanted to show that through our shared womanhood we are all individual, strong and interesting.
This week you get to read the thoughts of one of my oldest friends, Sam. She and I met when we were two at playgroup. We went on to be in the same class and firm friends for the past twenty-three years. Sam makes life look easy. Drawing, painting, piano playing, traveling and being an amazing nurse; this lady can do it all. She handles whatever comes her way with poise and a sense of calm and I really admire her for that. I have always been envious of the absolute confidence within herself that envelops and radiates off of her. A woman who has always steadfastly believed in equality for both women and men, I hope you enjoy reading her insight as much as I have.

Name: Sam

Age: 25

Location: Oxford now, but Brighton born

How have the women in your life shaped you and your ideals as a woman?
I have always considered myself a feminist. I have never understood gender inequality, even at a young age. I guess this comes from my mum, a beautifully strong woman who has the patience of a saint (Literally, sorry mum.) I have always been taught to be strong, be bold and mostly be myself. As I’ve grown older, I guess I have always gravitated towards amazing women, and I now work in a ‘female’ profession (Bullshit, men are nurses too… but that’s another story for another day). However, being a female ‘heavy’ profession, many powerful managerial jobs are staffed by females, and this means everyday exposure to women who are in power inspires me day. I think that women should aim for equality; no judgement in how they dress, what career path they choose, whether children are for them etc. It’s not difficult to grasp is it?

How do you deal with body image pressures and accepting yourself?
Body image is a crazy thing. I am a massive Instagram addict, I love it. I follow plus size models, hardcore feminists and the Suicide girls alike. However, nothing upsets me more than reading the comment sections of all of the above. There is literally so much hate on the internet. What upsets me the most is how personal these comments get. I find myself wanting to scream into my phone ‘WHAT THE FUCK IS IT TO YOU SHE’S A SIZE 24 GET A FUCKING LIFE’. The thing that annoys me the most is that it does affect me, and seriously take my hat of to anyone who is body positive. I’m an intensive care nurse, I see some horrible situations in my day job, and whenever I’m feeling uncomfortable in my body, I catch myself and take a deep breath and think ‘Your heart is beating, your lungs are breathing, you are alive, you are healthy, you have people who love you, nothing else matters’. At the end of the day this is all that matters. Girls, you are amazing humans. Your body does amazing things without effort. Does it matter you have love handles? Does it matter you have back rolls? No, it really doesn’t. I promise, people love you for you, these things are not important. Embrace your incredible body and never take it for granted.

What beauty product is a must for you?
Hello, my name is Sam and I am a make up addict. Phew, I’ve said it, it feels good to be out. I love make up, it makes me feel confident, it makes me feel pampered and I really enjoy the half an hour each morning getting ready, in the quiet. I find it relaxing. Liquid eyeliner is my bae. Anyone who uses liquid eyeliner needs to try Seventeen’s Tattoo Me 48 hour wear liquid eyeliner. It’s awesome and does actually stay on for 48 hours (I’ve tried this many times…).

Do you have a piece of advice for teenage you that you think would help growing into a woman easier?
Kill with kindness. Acknowledge your gut feeling, it’s usually right. Surround yourself with positive role models. You can achieve anything you want.

I think we need to be more open about women’s bodily functions such as periods. It is a natural process that we are made to feel is taboo. How did you deal with yours at first and do you have any tips?
I actually remember my first period. I sat next to my mum in the car and burst into tears telling her my period had started. She laughed at me and said ‘We better get you some pads then?’ What I remember most is how nervous I was to tell her. I look back on this and cannot understand why I was nervous, WTF?! It’s literally the same as saying ‘Mum, I sneezed!’ Or ‘Mum, I had a pee!’. This is a normal bodily function. It’s blood. I have the implant now as you know, I don’t want kids right now. This means for the last few years I have had the pleasure of 2 month periods (they have settled down now thank god). I was spending a large chunk of my salary on Tampons so I tried a Mooncup. I’m going to put this out there; I LOVE MY MOONCUP. It’s not for everyone, but clearly as a nurse blood doesn’t bother me or creep me out and I genuinely feel I have reclaimed my period. period.

What songs do you listen to that strike a spark in you and make you feel like you can take on the world?
I’ve struggled with this question. I am a massive music fan but I guess I’ve never thought about how certain songs have inspired me. A few come to mind though;
Frank Turner- I knew Prufrock before he got famous. I could have included a lot of Frank Turner. He is my hero, I have an album cover tattooed on my back. A lot of his music is about appreciating life, but this song in particular makes me smile every single time I listen to it. “Well life is about love”
Alexisonfire- Accidents. Whenever I need motivation. Mostly to go for a run.
Stornoway- Fuel Up. a lovely little Oxford band, this song is a clever analogy for driving/getting older. The last verse reminds me to text my school friends more “tonight you’re stumbling through your old town, you met up with your school friends who are just still the same, and you talked the same shit you talked in those days” this song is for when you feel a little directionless. I encourage everyone to have a listen.

Who in your life inspires you?
I’m lucky and surrounded by inspiring people. Everyone is overcoming demons in some way. My grandad was an amazing person, who overcame everything. He was blind, and was told he wouldn’t live past 10 years old because of a heart condition. He lived to 96. The best thing I learnt from him is the sweetest revenge is doing well. He was told he would never have a family but a careers advisor. He had 3 girls. He was told he wasn’t allowed to join the home guard because of his sight. He had to put a key in a lock for his sight test, and by pure luck he got it in. He had complete faith in his ability to do whatever he wanted.

How has age affected your perception of womanhood?
I give less of a shit now. Really. I do feel like age brings new problems though; Only last weekend I was at a family party hosted by my boyfriend’s parents. I did not know many people there. My boyfriend and I have been together many years, we’re not engaged, nor plan on having kids in the foreseeable future. Strangers literally did not stop asking me when I was planning on getting pregnant. I have recently been promoted in my job, I offered this as a conversation topic, no-one was interested. My womb was apparently interesting though. It pissed me off that, apparently, my worth came from my ability to procreate. But age gives you experience, and experience gives you wisdom. It teaches you to smile and try and understand why these situations come up.

What does Girl Power (/feminism) mean to you?
Equality , equality, EQUALITY. It means no pay difference, it means no education gap, it means no cat calling, it means no victim blaming, it means no belittling, it means no abuse, it means that females are recognised as equals to males. This is common sense to me, it frustrates me that this is an issue.

How would you set about making Gender Equality more equal? Perhaps more gender neutral bathrooms or scrapping ‘tampon tax’?
All of the above. The pay gap is a big issue for me. How can women be deemed as equal to men when they earn considerably less? It’s criminal, frankly. Women effectively work pay free from November until new year considering the pay difference. Women who have maternity leave should not be punished for this. I am a firm believer in instilling feminist ethics in a young age. Girls should not accept that boys hurt them because ‘they like them’. Girls should not be encouraged to be ‘lady like’. If girls want to play with dolls, that’s fantastic, it’s a great way to learn compassion and responsibility, but if boys want to play dolls too then we should encourage this. Equally, if girls decide that cars are more their thing then that’s great too.

Independent business women spotlight!
Seeing as this is about feminists, Barbra Kruger – an American conceptual artist

What is something you do to take time for yourself?
I’ve just started Yoga and I love it. I also walk to work (it’s about 45mins) and I listen to audio books. I am a massive book worm and always thought that audio books weren’t the same, but now it’s part of my morning routine and I actually really look forward to walking to work! I currently going through the Harry Potter series. It’s perfect me time, I completely switch off and imagine which Hogwarts house I would be part off…

What has been your biggest struggle as a woman?
I am lucky, I can honestly say I have a situation in my mind that made me feel victimised as a women. This doesn’t mean that there isn’t a massive issue out there. I think safety is an issue, I have been followed home until the point I shouted at the guy to leave me alone. A few months ago my friend was followed home to the point she called the police she felt scared. This is so wrong.

How has your sexuality shaped you as a woman?
I love being a woman.

 

(I do not own this image).