My warships are lying off the coast of your delicate heart

Today has led me to find whatever tiny morsel of solace I can, which always brings me here. Some days I become overwhelmed with the things I need to get done/are being done faster than I am happy for them to. Some days I just want to go back to bed or stand in the cold and scream. However, I am trying to channel those feelings into writing more. So, here I find myself on this chilly oppressively grey afternoon, note book, pen and writing aid at the ready. My chipped red fingernails ready to swiff elegantly (…yeah right), across the keyboard.
642 Things To Write About:

“Write an anonymous letter to a stranger detailing the things you’ve learned about life”

Dear human,
You do not know me, and before you throw this letter away – I REALLY AM NOT TRYING TO SELL YOU ANYTHING, PROMISE. I would just like to share some things that I have learned along my twentyfive years of life. A) I have found that you really have little control over the big things in life. Sure, you can have some input and maybe even reroute the course of said ‘big thing’, but ultimately the bigger the thing, the more inevitable it becomes. Unfortunately it is these things in life that we want to control most, but sometimes we have to accept that this is out of our hands. Therefore we should B) live to be a little kinder than we have to. Every day we step outside the house with our public masks on (not as conspicuous as Batman’s), a hard carapace to protect us from society, the one we are happy for the world to see. We are all aware that what we sometimes project into the world is not always what is reflected inside. Where the self doubt nestles up against the self loathing and writhes around in the dark slippery tentacles of fear. It doesn’t take much to give a compliment or send a text to let someone know you’re thinking of them. Life is too short to reserve kindness for when you think people need it, because most days we could all do with a little pick me up.
The last six years have really taught me that C) words and people do not define me as a person. One word cannot describe something as complex as a human and by thinking that it can we are doing ourselves a huge disservice. Even if that word is complimentary it is eliminating all the other things you have to offer. Just as a person cannot make us a whole or complete; because we should trust and value our own opinions and feelings to be enough for ourselves. Sure others can enhance and encourage you that bit further to shine that bit brighter, but to be confident in our own skin should be a top priority.
Something I am trying to work on is to D) be present more often. It is so easy to miss the small important things and the possible memories because our faces were glued to a screen (she says whilst on her laptop). A culture obsessed with catching memories we are ultimately failing to really experience because we are trying too hard to show others the memories we are making. Like Pavlov’s dogs we all but salivate when the trings and the pings escape from our phones, jumping to see who it is immediately. When the big red bubbles appear on various apps demanding that we respond to their silent warnings. I am trying to take a step back, resist the knee jerk instinct that has been ingrained and enjoy the moment I am in first. Which leads me to E) finding time for reflection. Those little moments we can find for ourselves to work through problems before we become overwhelmed or even just sitting and being…breathing. I have come to realise over the past year or so that these times are essential to living as well as we can. Without these moments we can often just keep going, until we can’t anymore. And when we no longer can, we are not helping ourselves and we are not helping those that depend upon us. Without these moments the smiles that should come easily don’t and the kindness I seek to give is not possible, because I have not been kind to myself. Sometimes we cannot always find these moments without the help of others at first, and F) it is okay to seek help. In fact it is fundamental to keep us ticking along nicely. Currently I seek solace in the counseling sessions I receive regularly. Due to a big thing I have no control over, I needed a little more help in my life to keep me from drowning in my circumstances. There is nothing to be done that can change my situation and I felt it necessary to accept the help that was being offered to me and I am so pleased I did. Without it I would, by now, be unable to help those that rely upon me. I would not be as kind as I would like to be. I have always dug down deep and stuffed all of my problems on top of each other and let them fester away somewhere in the back of my mind, playing on my conscience without always realising it, because that is the way I dealt with things. But when the big things come along and rob you of your sure footing, I have realised it is not shameful to seek help.
In summary, G) “do small things with great love”.
Yours faithfully, a stranger.

we’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne

I have always hated New Years Eve. There is something so monumentally depressing about the whole thing. As usual, this year I shall be spending my evening in my pajamas in front of Jules Holland and pretending the whole thing isn’t happening. I am not sure why I feel this way really, perhaps its the forced festivities and reverent reflection upon the past year. I know that it is partly to do with the pressure of having the most wonderful night you can ever possibly have ever. Plus the paying to get into a normal pub you would normally frequent, for it to be exactly the same and no wonderland as the price of the ticket you’ve paid for suggests it should be.
When I was little we used to go to my Grandma and Grumpy’s (that’s what I call my Grandad) and they would throw huge parties. At midnight my grandma would grab a silver tray and serving spoons and we would all pile out into the street, form a circle holding hands and sing Auld Lang Syne. Whilst my grandma banged the tray with her spoons, full of life and love and gin. I miss her everyday, more on special occasions and New Year is no exception. The image of her in the street is the first that comes to mind whenever someone mentions this time of year.
If, however, you love New Years Eve, please have a fantastic night! Ignore my baa humbug attitude and paint the town red. Make memories and meet lovely people. Here’s to 2014!

TO ABSENT FRIENDS AND FAMILIES.