The words are hushed, lets not get busted

It’s been another month of me being absent on here and I feel bad about it. I like it here, I love to write but I just haven’t been feeling inspired recently. Every time I sit down to type something out my brain’s engine sputters and chugs and eventually comes to a heaving halt. Fear not though, fore it is January and I have decided to write a post every week, even if it is short and I don’t love it.
Here is December in all its iPhone glory:

December, week one.
The time of the year that our house gets transformed into a twinkling wonderland. White paper balls and giant snowflakes hang from the ceiling in our backroom/kitchen. It takes my dad and I around four hours to put up all the paper decorations and lights in just this room and the hallway. Here is a glimpse of our backroom and just a small fraction of the prints we own done by Alex Binnie and Jason Missori. And what kind of week would it be without a gratuitous selfie?!

December, week two.
I borrowed my sisters MAC lipstick in Diva and I love it. Amazingly it works perfectly on both of our skin tones (shes more olive to my transparent complexion). I must own it. Some beautiful tulips, I can never resist a good bunch of tulips. I came across these old photos of me as a tiny person, I think I was around three (nineteenninetythree). My hair was/is still mental and my sister thought it was hilarious that I looked like an old lady.

December, week three.
Florence’s boyfriend bought her a Polaroid camera for Christmas, she was too excited to wait until Christmas day to open her presents so she opened them on the end of my bed after he’d left. I am impressed with the new Polaroids. Christmas day consisted of opening our stockings on my dad’s bed whilst Dolly snuffled all the discarded paper. Boxing day saw our family and friends release twenty five magenta helium balloons in memory of my mum. It was our first Christmas without her and we always have a big get together on boxing day; this was a nice way to remember her.

December, week 4.
That weird week between Christmas and New Years Eve. A selfie, naturally. Some zombie targets I made to go along with a zombie Nerf Crossbow present I had bought; complete with fake blood from Halloween. My sister and dog invaded my room and Dolly was being so cute, so here she is with her little fluffy face.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!

I am not a huge fan of the celebrations surrounding NYE, as I have written before. However, this year was very pleasant and chilled. We released the last balloon for my mum and let off a huge glitter confetti cannon (which we are still walking into our house now…and its all up the street. whoops). Oh, and obviously there was Jooles Holland to be watched.
I hope you all enjoyed your festivities over the last few weeks, and I shall see you all next week.

 

My warships are lying off the coast of your delicate heart

Today has led me to find whatever tiny morsel of solace I can, which always brings me here. Some days I become overwhelmed with the things I need to get done/are being done faster than I am happy for them to. Some days I just want to go back to bed or stand in the cold and scream. However, I am trying to channel those feelings into writing more. So, here I find myself on this chilly oppressively grey afternoon, note book, pen and writing aid at the ready. My chipped red fingernails ready to swiff elegantly (…yeah right), across the keyboard.
642 Things To Write About:

“Write an anonymous letter to a stranger detailing the things you’ve learned about life”

Dear human,
You do not know me, and before you throw this letter away – I REALLY AM NOT TRYING TO SELL YOU ANYTHING, PROMISE. I would just like to share some things that I have learned along my twentyfive years of life. A) I have found that you really have little control over the big things in life. Sure, you can have some input and maybe even reroute the course of said ‘big thing’, but ultimately the bigger the thing, the more inevitable it becomes. Unfortunately it is these things in life that we want to control most, but sometimes we have to accept that this is out of our hands. Therefore we should B) live to be a little kinder than we have to. Every day we step outside the house with our public masks on (not as conspicuous as Batman’s), a hard carapace to protect us from society, the one we are happy for the world to see. We are all aware that what we sometimes project into the world is not always what is reflected inside. Where the self doubt nestles up against the self loathing and writhes around in the dark slippery tentacles of fear. It doesn’t take much to give a compliment or send a text to let someone know you’re thinking of them. Life is too short to reserve kindness for when you think people need it, because most days we could all do with a little pick me up.
The last six years have really taught me that C) words and people do not define me as a person. One word cannot describe something as complex as a human and by thinking that it can we are doing ourselves a huge disservice. Even if that word is complimentary it is eliminating all the other things you have to offer. Just as a person cannot make us a whole or complete; because we should trust and value our own opinions and feelings to be enough for ourselves. Sure others can enhance and encourage you that bit further to shine that bit brighter, but to be confident in our own skin should be a top priority.
Something I am trying to work on is to D) be present more often. It is so easy to miss the small important things and the possible memories because our faces were glued to a screen (she says whilst on her laptop). A culture obsessed with catching memories we are ultimately failing to really experience because we are trying too hard to show others the memories we are making. Like Pavlov’s dogs we all but salivate when the trings and the pings escape from our phones, jumping to see who it is immediately. When the big red bubbles appear on various apps demanding that we respond to their silent warnings. I am trying to take a step back, resist the knee jerk instinct that has been ingrained and enjoy the moment I am in first. Which leads me to E) finding time for reflection. Those little moments we can find for ourselves to work through problems before we become overwhelmed or even just sitting and being…breathing. I have come to realise over the past year or so that these times are essential to living as well as we can. Without these moments we can often just keep going, until we can’t anymore. And when we no longer can, we are not helping ourselves and we are not helping those that depend upon us. Without these moments the smiles that should come easily don’t and the kindness I seek to give is not possible, because I have not been kind to myself. Sometimes we cannot always find these moments without the help of others at first, and F) it is okay to seek help. In fact it is fundamental to keep us ticking along nicely. Currently I seek solace in the counseling sessions I receive regularly. Due to a big thing I have no control over, I needed a little more help in my life to keep me from drowning in my circumstances. There is nothing to be done that can change my situation and I felt it necessary to accept the help that was being offered to me and I am so pleased I did. Without it I would, by now, be unable to help those that rely upon me. I would not be as kind as I would like to be. I have always dug down deep and stuffed all of my problems on top of each other and let them fester away somewhere in the back of my mind, playing on my conscience without always realising it, because that is the way I dealt with things. But when the big things come along and rob you of your sure footing, I have realised it is not shameful to seek help.
In summary, G) “do small things with great love”.
Yours faithfully, a stranger.