Lonely teardrops, my pillows never dry

I lost my mum on the 25th of February 2015. I can legitimately say that it was the worst day of my entire life. To know that I would never get to see or speak to this fabulous and loving woman again shattered me. There are some people in life that radiate a certain energy, and if you don’t get to see that first hand, your life is a little less full. My mum was one of those people. Over this past year I have been grieving and trying desperately to navigate this world without her. I have tried to stand tall for those that have needed my support. I have learned that you are never too old to need your mum.
This is where my mind set was in the April of last year. Not a whole lot has changed, but I can see the chinks of light cutting through the rubble. It is a little easier to breathe now.
I wish I knew how to write all of the words to make you understand what a truly wonderful woman she was; but I am not sure I could ever do her justice.

Dear Mum,
               I miss you more than I thought it was possible to miss someone. Not being able to climb onto your bed and chat about the days events and not having someone to sing along to loud music in the car with are harder than I imagined.
When you left this mortal plane my world, and so many others, became much duller and less informed. I try not to have ‘mum envy’ and remember that you were the best mother I could have ever hoped to have, even if it was for too short a time, but sometimes it’s really hard. Often I just want my mum. I would really like for you to come home now.
I still have dreams where I have to save you but I never can, I’m sorry. However, you’ll be pleased to know that in my dreams you are younger and sporting a full mane of hair.
Although I miss Grandma too – I never understood until this past year just how hard it is to lose a parent that you share such a bond with. And I’m sorry you ever had to go through this. I never knew grief was so completely exhausting and how it clings to you even in the happiest moments. Happy moments were hard to find for a while, searching in the fog for these elusive feelings only to keep coming up empty handed. I have begun to recognise this elaborate maze though and I have even captured the happiness; it would just be a little more sunshine yellow if you were here to witness them though. Relationships have been bonded and some lost over the past year, but those that have bloomed only have you to thank for that. You made me and the people around you better people. Everyone loved you mum. You were blue skies and calm seas.
I wonder if you got to meet your five people or if you’re in that other town with everyone else that can’t come back. Did you send that Sparrow?
It will be an entire year tomorrow that I haven’t seen you for and I don’t quite know how we are all still standing. How the wind hasn’t yet blown us all over, like one of those fake frontiers in the Wild West. You were the strongest and the bravest person I have ever known and I will forever strive to be half as amazing as you.
I hope escaping the labyrinth lead to your Great Perhaps. I will love you forever. X

I love her, and that is the beginning and end of everything.

My warships are lying off the coast of your delicate heart

Today has led me to find whatever tiny morsel of solace I can, which always brings me here. Some days I become overwhelmed with the things I need to get done/are being done faster than I am happy for them to. Some days I just want to go back to bed or stand in the cold and scream. However, I am trying to channel those feelings into writing more. So, here I find myself on this chilly oppressively grey afternoon, note book, pen and writing aid at the ready. My chipped red fingernails ready to swiff elegantly (…yeah right), across the keyboard.
642 Things To Write About:

“Write an anonymous letter to a stranger detailing the things you’ve learned about life”

Dear human,
You do not know me, and before you throw this letter away – I REALLY AM NOT TRYING TO SELL YOU ANYTHING, PROMISE. I would just like to share some things that I have learned along my twentyfive years of life. A) I have found that you really have little control over the big things in life. Sure, you can have some input and maybe even reroute the course of said ‘big thing’, but ultimately the bigger the thing, the more inevitable it becomes. Unfortunately it is these things in life that we want to control most, but sometimes we have to accept that this is out of our hands. Therefore we should B) live to be a little kinder than we have to. Every day we step outside the house with our public masks on (not as conspicuous as Batman’s), a hard carapace to protect us from society, the one we are happy for the world to see. We are all aware that what we sometimes project into the world is not always what is reflected inside. Where the self doubt nestles up against the self loathing and writhes around in the dark slippery tentacles of fear. It doesn’t take much to give a compliment or send a text to let someone know you’re thinking of them. Life is too short to reserve kindness for when you think people need it, because most days we could all do with a little pick me up.
The last six years have really taught me that C) words and people do not define me as a person. One word cannot describe something as complex as a human and by thinking that it can we are doing ourselves a huge disservice. Even if that word is complimentary it is eliminating all the other things you have to offer. Just as a person cannot make us a whole or complete; because we should trust and value our own opinions and feelings to be enough for ourselves. Sure others can enhance and encourage you that bit further to shine that bit brighter, but to be confident in our own skin should be a top priority.
Something I am trying to work on is to D) be present more often. It is so easy to miss the small important things and the possible memories because our faces were glued to a screen (she says whilst on her laptop). A culture obsessed with catching memories we are ultimately failing to really experience because we are trying too hard to show others the memories we are making. Like Pavlov’s dogs we all but salivate when the trings and the pings escape from our phones, jumping to see who it is immediately. When the big red bubbles appear on various apps demanding that we respond to their silent warnings. I am trying to take a step back, resist the knee jerk instinct that has been ingrained and enjoy the moment I am in first. Which leads me to E) finding time for reflection. Those little moments we can find for ourselves to work through problems before we become overwhelmed or even just sitting and being…breathing. I have come to realise over the past year or so that these times are essential to living as well as we can. Without these moments we can often just keep going, until we can’t anymore. And when we no longer can, we are not helping ourselves and we are not helping those that depend upon us. Without these moments the smiles that should come easily don’t and the kindness I seek to give is not possible, because I have not been kind to myself. Sometimes we cannot always find these moments without the help of others at first, and F) it is okay to seek help. In fact it is fundamental to keep us ticking along nicely. Currently I seek solace in the counseling sessions I receive regularly. Due to a big thing I have no control over, I needed a little more help in my life to keep me from drowning in my circumstances. There is nothing to be done that can change my situation and I felt it necessary to accept the help that was being offered to me and I am so pleased I did. Without it I would, by now, be unable to help those that rely upon me. I would not be as kind as I would like to be. I have always dug down deep and stuffed all of my problems on top of each other and let them fester away somewhere in the back of my mind, playing on my conscience without always realising it, because that is the way I dealt with things. But when the big things come along and rob you of your sure footing, I have realised it is not shameful to seek help.
In summary, G) “do small things with great love”.
Yours faithfully, a stranger.

Hold your head high, heavy heart.

Dear teenagers,
              it gets better. Although by better I probably mean different…but different is usually better.
You generally stop worrying if he or she likes you and what shoes go with which top. And all the lies your ‘friends’ tell you become irrelevant because the people who lie to you become redundant. You stop worrying about pleasing everyone else all the time and start to believe in pleasing yourself first. Hurting yourself, whether physical or mental, is less of a priority because you have more priorities in the form of responsibilities.
Im not going to say you should stop worrying about the things that you do, because we have all been there…but when you start, take a breath. Just breathe for a while and compose yourself. I have always been taken over by overwhelming anxiety, some of which I still can’t talk myself around from but sometimes it helps to just take a breath and give your brain time to let the rational part kick in.
If there is one thing I hear teenagers say all the time it is “I think too much”, as humans, we all do. You are not the only ones who let their brains run away with them. Given the chance we all do, but looking back I think it is because we had too much time on our hands. So with this free time, write it all down. Trust me, write it all down and not like you think someone might read your diary, but actually how you feel. Do not stop until it is all out there on the pages. When I was a teenager this is what I did. It helps you to focus on the actual thing that is wrong and not the other 20 or so things you begin to wallow in in the wake of feeling miserable about something. It also serves as a self help book of sorts. I have kept all my journals since the age of 13 and yes, they are as cringe worthy as you may imagine. But that is my point – when you are in the thick of being a teenager and life seems so desperately hard it helps to write it all down and look back at some of the earlier stuff.  When you next feel that wave of panic endorsed by hormones, all you have to realise is that you have been here before and you made it through that time and you will make it through this time. You will. And then when you are nearing the age of 24 you can look back on 15 year old you and see the distance you have come and the people who treated you badly have been left behind.
I am in no way saying this is easy, because I spent most of my teenage years pretending that I was fine to everyone around me, when really it felt like I was going under rapidly. I spent hours crying and wallowing and convincing myself that nothing would ever change or get better and that my chest would always feel this heavy. I also didn’t believe anyone felt as bad as I did, so I tried not to talk to anyone about how I was feeling because for one, I couldn’t find the right words to describe how truely terrible everything was. And two, I didn’t think anyone could help or understand what I needed to tell them if and when I could find the words. But I don’t think any of that was true, because if I felt like that and you feel like that, well, there is already two of us. But if you still do not feel you want to tell anyone, tell a journal. You don’t have to write reams and reams if you can’t face it, just a “fuck today” will do, because when you come back next time you will realise that you got through that day and you will get through this one too. Also, when you’re older it catalogues so many things you did and places you went with friends and you can’t even remember it.
Life can still suck, a lot, when you’re not a teenager anymore, obviously. But I think having gone through those times you learn coping mechanisms. Being miserable forces you to find ways of at least looking like you’re not and eventually, sometimes pretending everything is okay is enough to actually start to think that yes, actually, everything is okay. As the old adage says “what ever doesn’t kill you, only makes you stronger”. Yeah, just as cringey as my 14 year old self (okay, maybe not quite as cringey as I was…but still). 
You may still have times when you feel so consumed by misery you physically hurt or times when you are completely numb to everything and you just go through the motions of daily life not noticing anything. They still come and you will experience them, but they are nowhere near as frequent as they are in your teenage years. I think this is partly to do with your hormone levels balancing (thank god!) and the situations/people that caused you to feel this way are not so prominent in your life anymore.
Sometimes you will be lucky enough to find someone you can confide in and share some of what you are feeling, even if it isn’t everything. I hope you all have someone like that, I did and I am very thankful. I think in some ways, he saved my life. So I hope you read this and I hope you know who you are. 
If you don’t feel you have someone like that, then there are some places you can turn for help if it is all becoming too much for you on your own.
Mind – Elefriends: “is a supportive online community where you can be yourself. We all know what it’s like to struggle sometimes, but now there’s a safe place to listen, share and be heard.” or if you need to actually talk to someone there is a helpline number.
Childline – they now have an online chat facility where you are able to talk to a councilor 1-2-1 by IMing.
The Samaritans – you don’t have to feel suicidal to get in touch with this organisation, they are simply just someone to listen if you need to talk. You can call, visit or write to them by post, or they now have an email system in place, so you don’t even have to speak to anyone out loud (or find an envelope…).
Those are only a few but there are hundreds of other support websites out there, or I am happy to listen to anyone that might need to talk – leave me an anonymous comment on this post and I will give you my email address to get in touch. I have been there, I made it through and although my life is not sunshine and unicorns I am able to cope better when I start to feel miserable.
I hope this ‘letter’ was helpful in some way to someone.
Lydia x
P.S. When finding an image to end this blog on tumblr (the home of the teenager), when I typed in ‘sad’ a little screen showed up first saying “If you or someone you know is dealing with an eating disorder, self harm issues, or suicidal thoughts, please visit our Counseling and Prevention Resources page for a list of services that may be able to help” – with a little button to hit if you want to find out more. I wasn’t expecting that, and I think it is such a good idea and has relevant contact details for all different countries. Well done Tumblr. x

(I do not own this image).

i’m just a kid and life is a nightmare

Nostalgia. I have a box in my room in which I keep old diaries, photos and gig tickets amongst other things. I have taken some photos of my lovely memories so I thought I’d ramble on about the ‘good ol’ days’.
My box is a cardboard box that i bought from Ikea for about 80p that you assemble yourself. I decided to paint it pink one day to fit in with the rest of my room. Its nothing special to look at, but to me it is very special inside. It holds lots of little treasures that seemed so important when I was a teenager.
So this is what it looks like when you first open it.

Right, let’s start with my ‘art’. Top left is a card that my friend Lauren drew for my 17th birthday. She copied all of the images from my MySpace photos (yes MySpace, I didn’t have Facebook then). It has a bow and its pink and I still absolutely LOVE it. Thank you Lauren! Top right is my version of a print by an artist, I think shes called Laura Satana although I can’t remember now. I was very pleased with this. I used to spend hours and hours drawing, something I haven’t done in years! Bottom left is a ‘self portrait’ painting I did. At the time i had a bob and i wore bows all the time and well…I wanted to look like a cartoon character. I have no idea why now. I had forgotten about this as it was hidden away in my poems diary (yes, i really did just say that…I was emo okay?!). Lastly, bottom right – these aren’t art they’re photobooth photos. I believe they were both taken in Woolworths…These were they days before Instagram and being retro cool. The first one is Erika, myself and Eliza. The second, Louis, Anton, me and Erika.

Diaries. I have always LOVED a note book, in fact I think I have a problem with stationary. So i had 2 diaries (ones that i actually wrote in fairly regularly. The first one I started in 2001 and then i think the last time I wrote in the last one was 2006. So yes, they a record of how awkward and confused and cringe worthy I was as a teenager. Ages 11 – 16 documented in the way one documents things at that age. Hating school, loving my friends and parties and who is going out with who and clothes and ugh, parents! I covered one of my diaries in paper because I didn’t like the cover anymore. One day Erika wrote me a message on the back of it. Oh, and the TINY photo of Brody Dale! I am so glad you can’t read these.

This brings me to other ‘stuff’. Let us begin with a montage of a card Matt bought for me when we were…13 maybe? It reads “It’s only kinky the first time” …yeah. There is a whole story behind this about a hat and a stick and an explanation to a Geography teacher about what kinky meant. Then there is a photo of one year old me in 1991. I think it was taken in Barnes. There is a birthday card cross stitched for my 21st by Tina, my mums friend. And then another masterpiece by moi with Misfits lyrics around the edge.  The second photo is of some letters my friend Jon (who i have never met but still keep in contact with) sent me and a picture i was meant to colour in and send back that i forgot to…so Jon, you might get a wonderful piece of art through the post soon.

Some more stuff – first my Tinkerbell note book full of my ‘poems’ yeah, the less said about that the better. There are also some really nice 90s style personalised stickers! Next there is a photo montage of myself and my friends on nights out…being drunk. Bottom left are some quotes that i liked and used to be stuck on my wall. The first reads “mustaches on strings are the finest of things” then “i love you” and lastly “i would die for you my love”. Lastly there is my diary from 2012. It was a fun week with lots of stuff to do and a Panic! at the disco gig. I really went to town on the decorating too.

The first photo of all of the rest is a photo of 2 photo albums and 3 big piles of photos. Every few months I like to collate some of my favourite photos and get them printed because I like to have a hard copy of them too.
Gig tickets. I left them until last because there are quite a lot of them, although there should be more. I must have lost some along the way or something. I’m not going to list them all because there are too many at it would be boring. However I will tell you about my first ever gig. It was CKY at the Concorde 2 and I was 13. April and Phil, Raab himself and Ryan Dunn were all there. It was all very exciting and i loved it! I also managed to buy the 6th ticket on sale! There are a few others that stand out a little more for me than others too. The Vines, secret gig at The Old Market, The Used at Brixton Academy and the ‘business card’ of Mr. Khalid, who can solve ANY and I really mean any, problem you have apparently. Give It A Name in 2007, which was one of THE best weekends EVER and Slam Dunk weekends.



And that concludes my box of nostalgia. There are some other things I haven’t included because they aren’t that interesting or whatever. I love each and everything in this box even though a lot of it documents those really awkward years of being a miserable teenager.