And I slept in last night’s clothes and tomorrow’s dreams

On the first of February twentysixteen, I shall be twenty six years of age. If you have read my previous post you will understand why twentyfive wasn’t my best year. I have written of birthdays past before, but for this year I have decided to set myself some achievements to unlock.
Here is my list:

Read 26 books. I was in a major reading slump last year, I couldn’t concentrate for long enough to get into a story. I believe I read a total of only four books last year, which isn’t like my usual bookworm self. So this year I have set myself a goal on Goodreads to try and keep my nose deeply buried inside of those delicious smelling pages. I have just started my third book and I am loving reading again.
Survive five days at a festival. I have never been to a proper festival before. I hate camping and having dirty hair. Send help.
Write. Last year I let my blog slide a little because I just didnt have the concentration or the oomph to be bothered. I am trying to change that now and write often. I find it incredibly cathartic and enjoyable. So prepare to become even more acquainted with my inner tumultuous monologue. In the same vein I would like to get myself more involved in the blogging community. Collaborations, entering my writing to contests and publications and events are on my agenda; network, network, network.
Learn to like myself more. I often write about being a plus size woman and how most of the time I am content with this. However, somedays I am not okay to be in the body I am in and I would like to stop being cruel to myself. The aim is to be more accepting of me and my body, to treat myself with kindness.
Sing in public more. I love to sing all the time, I always have. Yet, I have never really had the confidence to put it out there for others to judge. There’s been the odd karaoke session but I would really like to give an open mic night a whirl.
Procrastinate less. I am the absolute best at procrastination, I can put things off indefinitely but I want this to change. In order to be braver and write more I need to stop putting things off and deal with them when I can. Sometimes I have to postpone things due to anxiety, but sometimes I just need to kick start the gremlins in my head to start working.
Stroke more dogs. I am one of those crazy dog ladies that will find a dog anywhere to coo over. I love them. I will talk to dogs I have just met only to be startled the owner is talking to me instead…excuse me sir, I was actually speaking to your adorable puppy! I have been told that I can’t really put this on my list as it’s not an achievement. But I really like dogs and they make me happy, so it’s staying. “How many dogs did you stoke last year?” “Not nearly enough”.
Okay, so some tasks are a little more serious and focused than others, but I know that if I can achieve all of these, even twothirds, this year will be awesome.

(I do not own this illustration).

And we’ll be slow honey lovers ’til the clocks go forward again

Ooh, midweek post! Just a super short one with a new playlist as its been a while. There are lots of new people and music that I have been enjoying recently. Hopefully you can find something or someone that takes your fancy in this summer heat.

I have just bought Josh Record’s debut album – Pillars and James Bay’s two EPs, they’re just delightfully delicate and definitely worth a listen.

It was like the way you wanted sunshine on Saturdays, or pancakes for breakfast. They just made you feel good

 

My brain is a little all over the place today, so to gather my thoughts I’m going to do a list based blog post for you. If you know me at all you will know that I love writing lists, as I have mentioned before – I am a notebook enthusiast with a compulsion for list making. The act of putting pen to paper and organising things into categories focuses my mind and lets me forget momentarily about all of the other thoughts that are inconsequential to the task at hand. It is also another method of procrastinating, something I am entirely skilled in, as I don’t have to deal with all of the other stuff which is either boring or too important for me to think about right now. I thought I would just name a topic and list 5 things from that category that I like and hopefully if you haven’t heard of them you will find new things to like too.
YouTube
– The RH Experience
– World of the Orange
– Essie Button
– Fun for Louis
– Miss Glamorazzi
Films
– Stuck in Love
– The Kings of Summer
– License to Drive
– Funny Face
– Moonrise Kingdom
Songs
– The Offspring – Denial Revisited
– Paolo Nutini – Iron Sky
– Pokey LaFarge – Daffodil Blues
– Jose Feliciano – Lonely Teardrops
– You Me At Six – The Rumour
Instagram
– Grgctts
– Alielayus
– Lamiakaric
– Lsbeth
– Melancholyellie
Food
– Sushi
– Burgers
– Blue cheese
– Crisps
– Anchovy stuffed olives
Books
– Garden Spells by Sarah Addison Allen
– Guitar Girl by Sarra Manning
– You’ve Been Warned by James Patterson
– The Secret Lives of Dresses by Erin McKean
– The Magic Faraway Tree by Enid Blyton
Drinks
– Tequila Sunrise
– Rose Lemonade
– Mango Cooler
– Honey and lemon
– Gin and tonic
Photographers
– Guy Bourdin
– Camilla Akrans
– Annie Leibovitz
– Joshua Hoffine
– Tim Walker
Detectives
– Adrian Monk
– Miss Marple
– Johnathan Creek
– Precious Ramotswe
– Hercule Poirot
The perfect place to conclude my list making…now to take the dog out in the pouring rain. Boo. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my lists and maybe found something new to watch, listen to or read.

(I do not own these images).

And I am not fine, Last night I saw you online, your screen name used to be mine

Real life can suck. It often does and this is why we all take solace in all forms of escapism. I am especially guilty of this. I love to read, watch tv, immerse myself in films and spend hours and hours of my time on the internet. Unfortunately I don’t use these mediums to educate myself very often but more to live through other people. It is something I have loved to do since being a kid, never going to sleep without an Enid Blyton story first! I often think that maybe I should get out and join some sort of club or something, but I have always found it hard to get out of my own way and what with tumblr and instagram being just a click away it is oh so much harder. The past 4 years of my life have been pretty awful for lots of different reasons and on so many different levels. Sometimes its hard to imagine that it will ever get any better. I’m not going in to detail about what and how and when but just know it is a really crappy time in my life. So, my addiction to all forms of escapism (bar LARPing and catfish-ing) have become more prominent in my life.
Letting the tales of someone elses life, whether it is fiction or not, enfold me into a world where I don’t have to think or be me for a while is something that brings me great joy. Even writing this blog although it is all ‘me’ and my views and such, it is easy to detach myself from it and almost tell it like it is someone else I am writing about.
Don’t get me wrong, I live in the real world and I enjoy spending time with my family and friends. I love going to see my favourite bands play at every opportunity I get. I even do the cooking/washing/housework and walking the dog part. However, when presented with the chance to imagine myself a new world I will jump at the chance.
I have been wearing makeup since I was 10 (my full on goth phase) and I am a complete beauty/fashion junkie. I love new makeup and changing it depending on my mood, but even this strikes me as a form of escapism. Writing this post has made me realise that most of us will grab the chance to be someone else for a while with both hands. I get that we all do this to different extents and I think I am probabaly about average these days. I have a Tumblr (x2), Flickr, Instagram, Facebook, Myspace (I think its still going), WordPress, and Twitter account which from what I can tell is fairly normal these days. Which brings me to question: Is it really escapism if everyone is doing it? Is this just a new unidentified (anti)social climate that we are all living in? With “reality” series such as Made in Chelsea and The Hills, are any of us really living in the ‘real’ world as much as we should be or is this daily escapism method something we should all be embracing? So many questions and probably very few answers…However, for the time being I think I’ll stick with what I am doing.

“If you were trapped in an impossible situation, in an unpleasant place, with people who meant you ill, and someone offered you a temporary escape, why wouldn’t you take it? And escapist fiction is just that: fiction that opens a door, shows the sunlight outside, gives you a place to go where you are in control, are with people you want to be with (and books are real places, make no mistake about that); and more importantly, during your escape, books can also give you knowledge about the world and your predicament, give you weapons, give you armour: real things you can take back into your prison. Skills and knowledge and tools you can use to escape for real.”
– Neil Gaiman –

(I do not own these images.)

i’m just a kid and life is a nightmare

Nostalgia. I have a box in my room in which I keep old diaries, photos and gig tickets amongst other things. I have taken some photos of my lovely memories so I thought I’d ramble on about the ‘good ol’ days’.
My box is a cardboard box that i bought from Ikea for about 80p that you assemble yourself. I decided to paint it pink one day to fit in with the rest of my room. Its nothing special to look at, but to me it is very special inside. It holds lots of little treasures that seemed so important when I was a teenager.
So this is what it looks like when you first open it.

Right, let’s start with my ‘art’. Top left is a card that my friend Lauren drew for my 17th birthday. She copied all of the images from my MySpace photos (yes MySpace, I didn’t have Facebook then). It has a bow and its pink and I still absolutely LOVE it. Thank you Lauren! Top right is my version of a print by an artist, I think shes called Laura Satana although I can’t remember now. I was very pleased with this. I used to spend hours and hours drawing, something I haven’t done in years! Bottom left is a ‘self portrait’ painting I did. At the time i had a bob and i wore bows all the time and well…I wanted to look like a cartoon character. I have no idea why now. I had forgotten about this as it was hidden away in my poems diary (yes, i really did just say that…I was emo okay?!). Lastly, bottom right – these aren’t art they’re photobooth photos. I believe they were both taken in Woolworths…These were they days before Instagram and being retro cool. The first one is Erika, myself and Eliza. The second, Louis, Anton, me and Erika.

Diaries. I have always LOVED a note book, in fact I think I have a problem with stationary. So i had 2 diaries (ones that i actually wrote in fairly regularly. The first one I started in 2001 and then i think the last time I wrote in the last one was 2006. So yes, they a record of how awkward and confused and cringe worthy I was as a teenager. Ages 11 – 16 documented in the way one documents things at that age. Hating school, loving my friends and parties and who is going out with who and clothes and ugh, parents! I covered one of my diaries in paper because I didn’t like the cover anymore. One day Erika wrote me a message on the back of it. Oh, and the TINY photo of Brody Dale! I am so glad you can’t read these.

This brings me to other ‘stuff’. Let us begin with a montage of a card Matt bought for me when we were…13 maybe? It reads “It’s only kinky the first time” …yeah. There is a whole story behind this about a hat and a stick and an explanation to a Geography teacher about what kinky meant. Then there is a photo of one year old me in 1991. I think it was taken in Barnes. There is a birthday card cross stitched for my 21st by Tina, my mums friend. And then another masterpiece by moi with Misfits lyrics around the edge.  The second photo is of some letters my friend Jon (who i have never met but still keep in contact with) sent me and a picture i was meant to colour in and send back that i forgot to…so Jon, you might get a wonderful piece of art through the post soon.

Some more stuff – first my Tinkerbell note book full of my ‘poems’ yeah, the less said about that the better. There are also some really nice 90s style personalised stickers! Next there is a photo montage of myself and my friends on nights out…being drunk. Bottom left are some quotes that i liked and used to be stuck on my wall. The first reads “mustaches on strings are the finest of things” then “i love you” and lastly “i would die for you my love”. Lastly there is my diary from 2012. It was a fun week with lots of stuff to do and a Panic! at the disco gig. I really went to town on the decorating too.

The first photo of all of the rest is a photo of 2 photo albums and 3 big piles of photos. Every few months I like to collate some of my favourite photos and get them printed because I like to have a hard copy of them too.
Gig tickets. I left them until last because there are quite a lot of them, although there should be more. I must have lost some along the way or something. I’m not going to list them all because there are too many at it would be boring. However I will tell you about my first ever gig. It was CKY at the Concorde 2 and I was 13. April and Phil, Raab himself and Ryan Dunn were all there. It was all very exciting and i loved it! I also managed to buy the 6th ticket on sale! There are a few others that stand out a little more for me than others too. The Vines, secret gig at The Old Market, The Used at Brixton Academy and the ‘business card’ of Mr. Khalid, who can solve ANY and I really mean any, problem you have apparently. Give It A Name in 2007, which was one of THE best weekends EVER and Slam Dunk weekends.



And that concludes my box of nostalgia. There are some other things I haven’t included because they aren’t that interesting or whatever. I love each and everything in this box even though a lot of it documents those really awkward years of being a miserable teenager.