My warships are lying off the coast of your delicate heart

Today has led me to find whatever tiny morsel of solace I can, which always brings me here. Some days I become overwhelmed with the things I need to get done/are being done faster than I am happy for them to. Some days I just want to go back to bed or stand in the cold and scream. However, I am trying to channel those feelings into writing more. So, here I find myself on this chilly oppressively grey afternoon, note book, pen and writing aid at the ready. My chipped red fingernails ready to swiff elegantly (…yeah right), across the keyboard.
642 Things To Write About:

“Write an anonymous letter to a stranger detailing the things you’ve learned about life”

Dear human,
You do not know me, and before you throw this letter away – I REALLY AM NOT TRYING TO SELL YOU ANYTHING, PROMISE. I would just like to share some things that I have learned along my twentyfive years of life. A) I have found that you really have little control over the big things in life. Sure, you can have some input and maybe even reroute the course of said ‘big thing’, but ultimately the bigger the thing, the more inevitable it becomes. Unfortunately it is these things in life that we want to control most, but sometimes we have to accept that this is out of our hands. Therefore we should B) live to be a little kinder than we have to. Every day we step outside the house with our public masks on (not as conspicuous as Batman’s), a hard carapace to protect us from society, the one we are happy for the world to see. We are all aware that what we sometimes project into the world is not always what is reflected inside. Where the self doubt nestles up against the self loathing and writhes around in the dark slippery tentacles of fear. It doesn’t take much to give a compliment or send a text to let someone know you’re thinking of them. Life is too short to reserve kindness for when you think people need it, because most days we could all do with a little pick me up.
The last six years have really taught me that C) words and people do not define me as a person. One word cannot describe something as complex as a human and by thinking that it can we are doing ourselves a huge disservice. Even if that word is complimentary it is eliminating all the other things you have to offer. Just as a person cannot make us a whole or complete; because we should trust and value our own opinions and feelings to be enough for ourselves. Sure others can enhance and encourage you that bit further to shine that bit brighter, but to be confident in our own skin should be a top priority.
Something I am trying to work on is to D) be present more often. It is so easy to miss the small important things and the possible memories because our faces were glued to a screen (she says whilst on her laptop). A culture obsessed with catching memories we are ultimately failing to really experience because we are trying too hard to show others the memories we are making. Like Pavlov’s dogs we all but salivate when the trings and the pings escape from our phones, jumping to see who it is immediately. When the big red bubbles appear on various apps demanding that we respond to their silent warnings. I am trying to take a step back, resist the knee jerk instinct that has been ingrained and enjoy the moment I am in first. Which leads me to E) finding time for reflection. Those little moments we can find for ourselves to work through problems before we become overwhelmed or even just sitting and being…breathing. I have come to realise over the past year or so that these times are essential to living as well as we can. Without these moments we can often just keep going, until we can’t anymore. And when we no longer can, we are not helping ourselves and we are not helping those that depend upon us. Without these moments the smiles that should come easily don’t and the kindness I seek to give is not possible, because I have not been kind to myself. Sometimes we cannot always find these moments without the help of others at first, and F) it is okay to seek help. In fact it is fundamental to keep us ticking along nicely. Currently I seek solace in the counseling sessions I receive regularly. Due to a big thing I have no control over, I needed a little more help in my life to keep me from drowning in my circumstances. There is nothing to be done that can change my situation and I felt it necessary to accept the help that was being offered to me and I am so pleased I did. Without it I would, by now, be unable to help those that rely upon me. I would not be as kind as I would like to be. I have always dug down deep and stuffed all of my problems on top of each other and let them fester away somewhere in the back of my mind, playing on my conscience without always realising it, because that is the way I dealt with things. But when the big things come along and rob you of your sure footing, I have realised it is not shameful to seek help.
In summary, G) “do small things with great love”.
Yours faithfully, a stranger.

And I am not fine, Last night I saw you online, your screen name used to be mine

Real life can suck. It often does and this is why we all take solace in all forms of escapism. I am especially guilty of this. I love to read, watch tv, immerse myself in films and spend hours and hours of my time on the internet. Unfortunately I don’t use these mediums to educate myself very often but more to live through other people. It is something I have loved to do since being a kid, never going to sleep without an Enid Blyton story first! I often think that maybe I should get out and join some sort of club or something, but I have always found it hard to get out of my own way and what with tumblr and instagram being just a click away it is oh so much harder. The past 4 years of my life have been pretty awful for lots of different reasons and on so many different levels. Sometimes its hard to imagine that it will ever get any better. I’m not going in to detail about what and how and when but just know it is a really crappy time in my life. So, my addiction to all forms of escapism (bar LARPing and catfish-ing) have become more prominent in my life.
Letting the tales of someone elses life, whether it is fiction or not, enfold me into a world where I don’t have to think or be me for a while is something that brings me great joy. Even writing this blog although it is all ‘me’ and my views and such, it is easy to detach myself from it and almost tell it like it is someone else I am writing about.
Don’t get me wrong, I live in the real world and I enjoy spending time with my family and friends. I love going to see my favourite bands play at every opportunity I get. I even do the cooking/washing/housework and walking the dog part. However, when presented with the chance to imagine myself a new world I will jump at the chance.
I have been wearing makeup since I was 10 (my full on goth phase) and I am a complete beauty/fashion junkie. I love new makeup and changing it depending on my mood, but even this strikes me as a form of escapism. Writing this post has made me realise that most of us will grab the chance to be someone else for a while with both hands. I get that we all do this to different extents and I think I am probabaly about average these days. I have a Tumblr (x2), Flickr, Instagram, Facebook, Myspace (I think its still going), WordPress, and Twitter account which from what I can tell is fairly normal these days. Which brings me to question: Is it really escapism if everyone is doing it? Is this just a new unidentified (anti)social climate that we are all living in? With “reality” series such as Made in Chelsea and The Hills, are any of us really living in the ‘real’ world as much as we should be or is this daily escapism method something we should all be embracing? So many questions and probably very few answers…However, for the time being I think I’ll stick with what I am doing.

“If you were trapped in an impossible situation, in an unpleasant place, with people who meant you ill, and someone offered you a temporary escape, why wouldn’t you take it? And escapist fiction is just that: fiction that opens a door, shows the sunlight outside, gives you a place to go where you are in control, are with people you want to be with (and books are real places, make no mistake about that); and more importantly, during your escape, books can also give you knowledge about the world and your predicament, give you weapons, give you armour: real things you can take back into your prison. Skills and knowledge and tools you can use to escape for real.”
– Neil Gaiman –

(I do not own these images.)