I wanna listen to the trees, maybe stare up at the clouds. Yes, I want to get lost, let’s get lost

Another month down, we are now in August. June’s photos went up a little late, so this feels like July was even shorter than it was. One more summer month filled with great company and magnificent skies.
I have spent the last couple of days planning and writing the next months blog posts, so don’t worry – it isn’t becoming just my monthly photos. However, I hope you enjoy seeing a small collection of snapshots for July.

July, week one.
I am sure by now that you know I love a good sunset/sky photo. There’s something I have always been drawn to and felt the need to capture in the sky. This one was taken from my boyfriend’s garden, and the light is just spectacular. A fairly self explanatory selfie, always in my favourite necklace from Sugar and Vice. Christopher couldn’t decide what to do one day and as we were driving we came across a place to see Meerkats and a whole host of other cute animals that you could stroke. I wanted to put one of each in my bag to bring home though…

July, week two.
The second week of July brought showerwashywashy time into Dolly’s life. After ten years she finally accepts that this is going to happen from time to time and she goes along with it now, albeit unhappily. The process takes Floss and I to both keep her in the shower (much harder with a wet room), actually wash her and then quickly run after her downstairs to let her in the garden to rub herself on everything. May or June saw us go to the pier and we chose a bubble gun (for the dog) with all of the tickets we had accumulated. I think my sister and Sam enjoyed playing with it far more than Dolly did though. My dad came home with these curiously named burgers one day for dinner, we are still none the wiser as to why they are labelled this way though.

July, week three.
A selfie taken whilst sat under a tree with the dog, trying to keep up both cool whilst we waited for family to return from fruit picking in sweltering heat in the Kent countryside. A beautiful sunshine yellow Sunflower to place next to a photo of my mum. And the most delicious banana, strawberry and cherry sorbet/smoothie hybrid I’ve ever made. A photo of the haul my sister and Sam managed to pick when we went down to Kent, slowly working our way through the punnet of fruits.

July, week four.
It had been a very long time since I had seen the Surrogate Mothers Club, so it was arranged that we meet one evening for drinks and a catch up. There may have been some super sneaky shots consumed whilst waiting for our other drinks to be ready each time too. A really lovely evening sat outside chatting and enjoying a gin or five. The week following that weekend left me feeling really anxious, an underlying feeling of dread kept washing over me and I couldn’t shake it; as much as I felt I was going mad. So I slapped some makeup on (hence the selfie) and took myself off to see Christopher for twentyfour hours. Although I couldn’t fully shake the panic that evening, I was feeling much better on the Sunday. I could breathe a little better and I think it was just what I needed, a change of scene and pace. Another glorious sky photo, it was so blue and perfect just before I had to come home (which wasn’t as straight forward as it should be, two trains and a car ride home, thanks to Southern Rail, the most useless train providers ever).

Home is such a lonely place without you, home is such a lonely place

It has been about eighteen months since my mother passed away. If you’re new here this may give you some background as to how I was feeling then. I still miss my mother every day, my heart aches to see her smile. I was no stranger to grief before my mum passed, but I was unaware just how hard it can wallop you, leaving you feeling breathless and disorientated. Grief has changed me, a little for worse and a little for better.
I am not as good at being alone as I once was. Before, my own company was something I would often seek, spending hours on my own and being quite content. Loss has made me anxious when those I love aren’t close or they’re difficult to reach. At the back of my mind I am worried that something bad has happened and I won’t know and won’t be able to save them, like I couldn’t with my mum. I am scared that they will leave me. The swirling oppressive panic rises and the haze can be hard to break free from. Irritating for those I burden with my messages, I am working on trying to hold down the adrenaline and assumption that everyone will leave me.
I am kinder, my edges are softened. Caring for someone you love whole heatedly will always have an effect upon you. I had to teach myself to be more patient, compassionate and empathetic. It’s not that I didn’t want to be, I just found it hard after spending years blocking out people’s negative comments about me, to let the walls come down. However, when the person who has cared for you and done everything she can to provide a loving and well rounded existence for you, the walls come tumbling down. Looking after my mum showed me how to be a little kinder than I have to be. I wanted her to know that I loved her; I hope she knew just how much. I hope I was kind enough.
Grief has changed my relationships. A different family dynamic had emerged when I was caring for my mother, but after her death it has changed once again. I have distanced myself from certain people because I have realised that I do not need or want their negative energy in my life. Our existence is too short and filled with horrible things that we have no control over, so to take decisive action upon the things we can change is something I am working on. That being said, I have also had the chance to strengthen previous relationships. The big group of women in my life that I had always had the ‘my mum’s friends’ relationship with have now become my friends and an added support system should I need them. The Surrogate Mothers Club.
My tolerance for other peoples shitty behaviour has depleted. Although I have never been backwards in coming forwards in my opinions, I would often let others get away with their hostile and hurtful attitudes towards me. For years I allowed comments on my appearance to make me feel small and angry and at twenty-six I still feel sick every time I have to walk past workmen. The panic rises as I know the staring or the jeers are coming, keeping my head down and hoping that if I don’t make eye contact, maybe this time it won’t happen. However, over the past couple of years (as you may have read here before), I am learning to take proactive stands against such people when this happens. It isn’t just strangers in the street that I have felt the need to put in their place, but aforementioned distanced people too. I try to do my part to take a stand for those that haven’t found their voice yet too and if you’re mean to my sister, I’m coming for you. I do not need people in my life that do not encourage and empower the people around them.
Today will mark seven years since I lost my Grandma, the other woman in my life that loved me unconditionally. To lose my maternal twin pillars before they saw me flourish, find myself and love is heart breaking. I hope in my lifetime and through my actions I can be as clever, sparkling and fabulous as they were.
Something terrible has to occur for us to experience grief and loss, but once we get there something good can bloom from the darkness. Eventually your eyes begin to adjust and you can start to make out the silhouettes around you and stop being so scared of the blinding, smothering blackness. It won’t be easy and I’m under no illusion that it will ever end, but you adjust and endure, bend with the changing tides.

“The reality is that you will grieve forever. You will not ‘get over’ the loss of a loved one; you will learn to live with it. You will heal and you will rebuild yourself around the loss you have suffered. You will be whole again but you will never be the same. Nor should you be the same, nor would you want to.”

My hopes are so high, that your kiss might kill me. So won’t you kill me, so I die happy.

I can’t quite grasp the fact that we are now in the middle of July already. The month of June seemed to whizz past as it was so packed full of events and people. I was thrown well and truly out of my comfort zone several times, had a couple of panic attacks and I cried in Sainsburys. However, it was spent with the best people, old and new.
June twentysixteen.

June, week one.
It was my sister, Florence’s nineteenth birthday this month. However, I knew I would be away for the actual day so I made her an Oreo cheese cake before hand to celebrate. My mum always used to make our cakes, so now Floss and I take turns making each others birthday cakes. We continued the early birthday celebrations with her boyfriend Sam and Christopher; going for lunch and then to the pier. My sister has always had an affinity with 2p machines, throwing hideous tantrums as a child once she ran out of coins. So, we thought we should go and play on the machines and get sugary pier food. I am now the proud owner of three plastic dinosaur key rings, and I got a slush puppy, of which I couldn’t finish because it was pure sugar. The Snapchat puppy filter is one of my favourites.

June, week two.
My very first festival, Download. This consisted of getting up and leaving the house before half-five in the morning. Ouch. Christopher drove us up to the midlands, where we pitched our tent and almost melted in the heat. We had a wander around, I had a panic attack. Friday was the first day of music at Download and we made our way up to the main arena. The heavens opened shortly after we got there and I have never seen rain quite like it. The rain drops were huge and the force it came down at actually took my breath away and washed the entirety of my makeup off. Throughout the weekend the rain didn’t stop, and by Sunday evening we were waiting to see Iron Maiden in a good six inches of slop. I think my first festival experience threw me in at the deep end weather wise. However, I had a great time, not enough sleep and found an appreciation for walking boots I never thought I would have.

June, week three.
A train selfie, on my way to Christopher’s for his brother’s wedding. This meant that I had to wear a dress and I hadn’t worn one of those in almost twenty years. The wedding ceremony was beautiful, China looked stunning and the bridesmaids were ethereal in their dresses. The groom and groomsmen all looked handsome and smart in their suits, but they may have been a little upstaged by Bella the dog. The reception marquee was delightfully rustic with wild flowers, exposed wood and such tastefully decorated table settings. I met so many lovely people, had many compliments on the colour of my hair and survived an entire day in my dress. Congratulations Richard and China. On the Sunday Christopher and I headed to play some pirate adventure golf and get ice creams (I had an orange sorbet and oh my goodness it was exquisite) before I had to come back home.

June, week four.
Another selfie, the lighting was good and my makeup was fresh, deal with it. The weekend sunshine took Christopher and I to the marina to meet Kit for a couple of drinks. Looking at boats and blue skies is one of my favourite things, its so calming (although it’s a completely different story if you’re the one on the boat and terrible at mooring. But that’s an anxiety filled story for another day). After a few drinks we headed to the new UV Jurassic mini golf place, I lost out to first place by two points. It was fun but I definitely think they need to expand and make the twelve holes into eighteen as it was over fairly quickly.

June was busy, pushed me more than I usually allow myself to be and exciting. I slept in a tent again after vowing to never do so years ago, had a shower in a space age port-a-shower and didn’t own one piece of clothing that didn’t have mud on. I met some wonderful people and was moved to tears by love. A month in my life I won’t be forgetting in a hurry.

And we’re holding on when there’s nothing left to hold on to, so don’t tell me when it’s gone ’cause all I have left is you

May has come to a close and I’m a little sad about this. The past month has been filled with the best company, music, great memories. I am so pleased I started curating my months on here because it means I get to relive the lovely memories I’ve made. So, here is my May twentysixteen.

May, week one.
I love tiny plump sweet tomatoes. This day I ate an entire punnet to myself for lunch, it was a great decision. When I was seven (and my sister was born so my mum couldn’t be bothered to argue with me about it) I stopped wearing skirts/dresses/coats. Now nineteen years later as a grown up, I have to venture back into this world I do not feel at home in. This was one of many rejected options to wear to my boyfriend’s brother’s wedding next month. Being a plus size woman limits my choices of dresses and skirts, so it has certainly been a mountain of a task. However, stay tuned to see the dress I have (I think) decided upon in another blog post. May brought Lewis Watson back into my life, Floss and I went to see him play a “I want to see if you like my new songs before my album is released” gig in Shepherds Bush. We found a cute Mexican place for guacamole and delicious soft tacos.

May, week two.
A selfie, naturally. This week gave us more sunshine and a trip out for lunch with my aunt. We went to this cafe that is hidden away beside the sea, a favourite in our family. They sell the best banoffee cake too, so I made sure to grab some to bring home on my way out. A warm week called for a tiny Twister ice lolly, which Dolly thought should be for her, she was out of luck though.

May, week three.
If you have read the post before this one you will know that I hit twenty-thousand views on my blog this week. That’s amazing and I am so thankful for each and every single one. I love coming here and just writing whatever I feel like writing; but to have that many people willingly come and read it is incredible. Christopher makes excellent scrambled eggs, and he makes them for me every weekend I see him. I was craving them during the week though so I had to go it alone – they were pretty damn good. The Friday of that week brought a trip to Portsmouth with my sister that involved a much more complicated journey than necessary to the Passport Office. However, we made it in time and even did some shopping after before I went to meet Christopher for the weekend.

May, week four.
On Saturday we went for lunch with two of Christopher’s friends and their very cute and extremely chilled, most well behaved baby I’ve ever met. After lunch we decided to go and play adventure golf, which involved some playing in an arcade before hand. Amazingly I didn’t come last and tied joint second with Christopher. Sunday evening was home time and we passed this glorious masterpiece of nature on our way to drop me off. The bank-holiday weekend was filled with family as we had a very boozy gathering of people over. We drank lots, danced lots and laughed abundantly; it was the loveliest of days spent with some of my favourite people.

I didn’t want to deprive you of some live Lewis Watson clips, enjoy.

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Someday we will all be ghosts 🌙 #lewiswatson

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I love you, I don't think you care ✨💕#lewiswatson @levvis

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You’re everything that I hoped for, that’s why I gave you my all

I came to write about something exciting, but first I am going to vent about the crappy day I am currently having (the exciting bit does come, I promise).
Today began with wiggly anxious feet, which is never the way a lady wishes to arise from her slumber. With too much unsolicited adrenaline my extremities tingle and I need to release this, so feet wiggling like I’m in Footloose is my usual go-to. Checking the time on my phone I realise I still have an hour before my alarm insists I get up. So I attempt to go back to sleep but I am met with the anxious thoughts that accompany my eighties dance movie choreography. Great. Then I receive a text from my sister to inform me that Dolly (the dog) has been sick a lot in the garden. Yippee. By this point it’s clear that I am not going back to sleep. I drag myself out of bed, eyes still mostly asleep whilst I get dressed to walk the dog and face the day. As I head downstairs I am met with an odor of vomit and two huge piles of sick. One of them is a revolting tangle of green slimy grass. Oh joy. As I go towards the back of the house to let the dog in to the garden, what do I see? Oh yes, that would be another 3 piles (this time its the raw chicken from last nights dinner), slick and putrid. Excellent. Then there is more in the garden and more in the living room I discover. Poor dog, clearly shes unwell but also, gross. It’s not even half nine in the morning yet. After spending a fair while doing my best Cinderella before she meets the prince impression, I walk the dog; who spends most of her time eating more grass…
My shopping is due to be delivered between ten and twelve today, so I await its arrival and get on with a multitude of boring house chores. However, the shopping still hasn’t arrived half an hour after the time-slot has ended. Weird. After logging into my account it would appear that I didn’t finish the transaction yesterday so our shopping won’t be coming today. And I haven’t even mentioned my strange enchanted hand that keeps going a little numb every now and then. I get to climb into a dark hole and never come out again now, right?!
Okay, I get that worse things happen at sea and certainly worse things have happened in my life, but today’s morning has felt relentlessly bleak. Roll on tomorrow evening and being with the boy I am incredibly fond of in a place that helps me breathe a little easier (when I’m not feeling anxious anyway *monkey covering eyes emoji*).

Now, onto much better news. On Tuesday the seventeenth of May, this blog hit twenty thousand overall views! I am so excited about this. I never thought I would actually keep up blogging, and I certainly never thought many if any people would want to read it. But I did and you did and now I’ve hit a huge milestone for someone who has just written a whole passage about dog vomit.
Thank you to everyone who reads my blog regularly or if you are entirely new and you’re helping me on my way to thirty thousand. I appreciate every view, every comment and every share I receive. You are all lovely people and I am so pleased that anyone would want to read my work.
I thought that I would link you my Facebook page, so should you wish to keep up to date and notified when a new post is published you can do so. Or, if you are a fellow WordPress user, feel free to hit ‘Follow’.
Here are some of my favourite pieces I have published on here, in case you missed them:

• Hold your head high, heavy heart (- Dear teenagers, it gets better or at least different).
• I have the dance moves of a mustache and the singing voice that sounds like a beard on the inside of my cheeks (- for all that love those with a beard and those that have careless whiskers to tame).
• And I am finally seeing that I was the one worth leaving (- Inspired by Frank Turner and moving on from something that never quite fit).
• You hid there last time, you know we’re gonna find you (-My tale of always being the fat girl and how some builders harassed me).
• But I am a ghost, just haunting myself (- An exercise in dissipating writers block, melancholic whimsy at its best).
• I’m ready to hope, swing me out of the low; wide awake in the glow, can’t do it alone (- Sadness and hope combined in melancholia. My canary sings no more).
• And I kissed him back like and arsonist with a pocket full of matches (-romanticised romance).

Once again, thank you.

Use the sleeves of my sweater, let’s have an adventure

It’s been a while. I have sat down to write several times since I last posted, but for one reason or another I just couldn’t finish anything. I’ve had a fog hanging over me and my creative flashlight wasn’t bright enough for me to battle through.
This post is a little lighter and doesn’t call for my “ferocious intelligence”, so with any luck I’ll actually be able to publish this.
My month in photos. An iPhone Retrospective, if you will. I have a double for you this time as October didn’t go up when it should have done. Behold! October and November snapshots.

October, week one.
Bruising and huge swelling on my right ankle after dislocating/spraining it on my way out around three weeks prior. Bought a gold septum ring and I love it, prepare yourself for more selfies. That beautiful handmade chair by Jason Mosseri (also an extremely talented tattooist), came home to live with me.

October, week two.
An awesome week meant that I got to catch up with some of my favourite ladies and drink Brighton gin out of my favourite shaped glass. It’s so round and makes me feel like a proper witch casting spells…
Another selfie. And a trip (hobble) to Islington to see my favourite band, Pokey LaFarge play an amazing gig in a chapel!

October, week three.
Narcissism. My dog thinks shes a human and likes to be fork fed, we shouldn’t encourage this behaviour, but look at that face! All of the hair.

October, week four.
Halloween! I love Halloween. And even though it’s my very favourite, I had never carved a pumpkin until this year. Mine are the two in the middle, one says “I put a spell on you” and the other says “Witch please!” with a tiny bat on the side. I think I have found my calling. Then came Halloween night, sparkly spiders in my backcombed hair and all of the fake blood. It has become a tradition that Kit and I should spend ol’ hallows eve together, drinking and cackling away.

November, Week one.
I put this photo on Instagram to mark my Grandma’s birthday. Shes the lady in the middle and my mum is the one at the very back. I cannot believe that I have lost two of the most important women in my life in the last six years. But what a happy photo. I made some sweetcorn and spinach soup, it was delicious. More hair.

November, week two.
It is hard to find decent alternative/Halloween clothes for plus size women. Asos offer a pretty decent selection of more current fashions for us and I was devastated after seeing that the skeleton dress was sold out in my size. However, it was back in stock and on sale after Halloween, so I finally got my hands on it. The middle photo is of a print by Alex Binnie (another very talented tattooist from In To You), I liked how it looked in the red light of our landing. Septum ring and gorgeous quartz necklace narcissism.

November, week three.
My wonderful aunt bought my sister and I Ciate advent calendars this year, they came in a lot of bubble wrap. Naturally we turned Dolly into a bubble wrap nun. My face. I have watched all of Casey Neistat’s vlogs (I watched all twohundredandthirtyfour in about a week). He is fascinating, highly talented and magnificently creative. Casey’s time-lapse interludes of New York City inspired me to try some of my own. Here is a still from one.

November, week four.
My feet looked really tiny in this photo and it made me laugh. I also really like my handmade tie dye bedding I did back in the summer. Yes, I know it’s still November but I have already written all the Christmas cards and watched both Home Alone films (the John Hughes ones, the only ones that matter). And then I put my Christmas bedding on – don’t worry, I’ll wash it and put it back on before Christmas day. Bored and waiting to go out for lunch (incidentally the best food I’ve eaten for a long time at The Urchin in Hove). Forever wearing my favourite necklace from a company called Sugar and Vice.

And that concludes the months of October and November. Yes, a lot of selfies but a few other good things too. I like reflecting back on my month, it makes me appreciate the times I’ve spent with certain people or the times I’ve taken for myself.
Hopefully I’m back into a writing streak and I can post some more soon. Fingers crossed.

Seven golden Daffodils all shining in the sun, they light the way of evening when our day is done

If you know me or you have read my blog occasionally you will know about my love for a band called Pokey LaFarge (and the South City Three). I came across them on Jools Holland one night in 2011 and instantly fell in love with the sound of bluegrass and lyrics about whiskey. They had a sound that I have long been drawn towards ever since my grandparents, mainly my Grandma, introduced me to the King of Skiffle – Lonnie Donegan around the age of 3. (The same amazing woman also introduced me to the likes of Fats Domino and Santana, each still very much favourites of mine.)

If you have never heard of Skiffle before you should definitely check it out, I don’t think many people realise just how many musicians are influenced by the music of Lonnie Donegan. Paolo Nutini has a song called Worried Man on his Sunny Side Up album where he takes the chorus of Lonnie Donegan’s song of the same title. Originating in America around 1925 but dying out in the ’40s over there, the fairly unknown and obscure music genre was revived here in the 1950s by the wonderful raconteur Donegan. With songs such as Rock Island Line, Does Your Chewing Gum Lose It’s Flavour On The Bedpost Overnight and My Old Man’s A Dustman, he was quickly crowned the king. My very favourite is Seven Golden Daffodils, demanding that it be played at the disco I had for my 7th birthday. There is something about the cadence of Skiffle and Bluegrass music that fills my heart with joy and allows me to breathe. The art of telling a story through song is something Lonnie Donegan and Pokey LaFarge are extraordinarily good at. I often wonder if I was born in the wrong era with my ear being drawn to music with the sound of times gone by. If there is a washboard, double bass, banjo or harmonica being played then I want in! My Grandma often said that is she had one regret it was not taking me with her to see Lonnie Donegan play in Brighton before he passed away in 2002. When my Grandma died 7 years later it was only fitting that Seven Golden Daffodils was played at her funeral.
Over the last few years I have been to see Pokey LaFarge as many times as I can and they never ever disappoint. His voice is so powerful and they put on an impressive show. I have come to find more acts that are similar in sound too, like Rob Heron and the Tea Pad Orchestra from Newcastle and Bad Bad Whiskey a skifflebilly band from Brighton.
I find myself wishing that my Grandma had been given the chance to hear Pokey LaFarge, The Secret Sisters, Rob Heron and the Tea Pad Orchestra and Bad Bad Whiskey. As the woman who introduced me to a similar genre of music, I really think she would have enjoyed them.

Pokey LaFarge are an American band who incorporate a mix of early jazz, string ragtime, country blues and western swing to make them my very favourite bluegrass band. “It’s not retro music. It’s American music that never died.” I was hooked before I had heard the whole of the first song I ever heard them play.

Rob Heron and the Tea Pad Orchestra have supported Pokey LaFarge in the UK a couple of times now and this is how I became a fan. Based in Newcastle this homegrown roots band play a joyous mix of ‘western swing, blues, gypsy jazz and country, or “North Eastern Swing” as they’ve coined it.’

The Secret Sisters are real life sisters from Alabama with a beautiful heart wrenching country sound. Another Jools Holland find, I was enthralled with their song The One I Love Is Gone and their cover of Patsy Cline’s hit Walking After Midnight.

I accidentally came across my hometown’s offering to Skifflebilly – Bad Bad Whiskey when out for a drink with a friend at a pub in Hove. They just carried in a double bass and I was excited to hear them play, I wasn’t disappointed when they did either. If you live in my local area, even if you don’t you should catch one of their shows.
(click photos for bands websites)
If you haven’t heard any of the music I have spoken about in this post I’ve mad a playlist for you to check out:

Even if you don’t think you are going to like it – give them a try as you may be surprised.
I can’t tell you exactly how this music makes me feel or why it makes me feel that way but it always brightens my day and encourages my need to play music as loud as I can. And they’re all especially good to listen to on a lazy summers day such as the weather we are currently having here.

I don’t love you and I never did. You’re just a number in my pocket so get the hell over it

It has been 5 weeks since the last proper Guy Friday, so I figured it was about time. Also, my day has got away from me and I have a full list of men to add to this post. Welcome to lazy blogging. It is becoming a little harder each week to come up with men that I haven’t already featured in these posts before. So, if there are a couple here and there from my fist ever Guy Friday, I apologise. Alternatively, if you can come up with men you think should be included in such a prestigious list…please let me know (they don’t have to be famous).

Wilson Bethel is in one of my favourite tv programs – Hart of Dixie as Wade Kinsella. He plays a loveable rogue with a heart of gold, a southern accent and a dream of being a rock star. Wilson has all of the cheekbones and that oh so strong jaw line. An absolute beauty. Swoon. I literally cannot wait for Hart of Dixie to come back and she better choose Wade!

Riley Smith is one of those actors that is in lots of stuff, you just don’t really remember what they are until you look them up. More recently he was in 90210 as Annie’s boyfriend that she meets in rehab when she visits Dixon after his car crash. He is rather pleasing to the eyes and I like his voice too.

Oh Trevor Wentworth. I was first aware of his band Our Last Night when Kit and I saw their set at Slam Dunk Festival last year and it was lust at first sight for the both of us (Kit and I with Trevor, not myself and Trevor unfortunately). A gorgeous face, voice and baby called Noah, he couldn’t ask for much more. Sad that I had to miss out on their London gig this year as it was a reschedule from the year previously where they were meant to play Brighton but had to cancel. I am sure I will get to see him/them again soon though.

Darren Criss, what a guy! His style is impeccable even as Blaine in Glee and he comes across as just a really lovely guy. I know that he does his part to raise lots of awareness for the Trevor Project ( the leading national organization providing crisis intervention and suicide prevention services to LGBTQ young people ages 13-24). His voice is magical and he reminds me a little of Brendon Urie from P!ATD, which is never a bad thing in my books.

Bret Harrison is my new crush as Sam in Reaper. I have just started watching it on Netflix and as ridiculous as the premiss of the show is, I am compelled to watch the next episode each time. The series is funny and he is cute – making a pretty reliable formula to keep me coming back to find out what happens to the next escaped soul Sam has to send back to Hell…

Connor Franta makes YouTube videos and he isn’t as young as he looks (he’s 21). Funny observational videos about his life and friends were the content that made me watch more. Being a little older than the bulk of viewers on YouTube (13-18) I find some videos are aimed at that age group, but Connor has a way of bridging that gap and his stores make me ‘internet laugh’ (to expel air through ones nose, rather than sounds from my mouth).

Jamie Dornan is undeniably beautiful. Along with his perfectly formed outer shell, the man can act. I really enjoyed his performance as serial killer Paul Spector in The Fall (I really hope the second series hurries up). I like the juxtaposing beauty with sin in the series. If you haven’t seen it you really should! Jamie is also a model (duh). Oh the jaw line!

Josh Stewart’s face is intense, and I like it. I first really took notice of him when he played JJ’s boyfriend in Criminal Minds (if you have read this blog before, I am sure you’ll know I am obsessed with it). However, when I looked him up, it turns out that he has been in a few things – including The Dark Knight Rises as Bane’s right hand man Barsad.

I first developed my crush on James Strawbridge when he was on the Tv show ‘It’s Not Easy Being Green’ with his family. He was on the show being all rugged and manly with no top on. Now he cooks gourmet pasties, rows boats and is a very good artist. I love the program he makes with his dad called The Hungry Sailors, boats and food…the way to my heart. My crush is still going strong, especially now he has a little stubble/beard coming a long. He can take me sailing any day! 

Zac Efron, crafted by angels.

I hope this post gave you that Friday Feeling, enjoy the weekend!

(I do not own these images).

on wednesdays we wear pink

Welcome to the first Woman Crush Wednesday! After doing several Guy Fridays I realised that I don’t champion women enough here on this blog. However, in Procrastination Kingdom (ie. my life), I am only just getting around to doing it. I chose all of these women for different reasons – some I admire greatly because of the impact they make on peoples lives, others have been my idols for years. However, mostly I chose them because I think they are beautiful, just like I do with Guy Friday.
So, let us begin.

Candice Accola, also known as Caroline Forbes in The Vampire Diaries is undeniably beautiful. She has always been my favourite female (bar Kathrine) in the show. She should totally be with Klaus and not stupid Tyler, but that’s a conversation for another day. I thought Candice was so striking as soon as she appeared in The Vampire Diaries and have had a small obsession with her ever since.

Krysten Ritter is one of my favourite, but very underrated actresses. She has been in both the Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars of which I am a huge fan of both. Although I much preferred her as Lucy in the Gilmore Girls than Gia Goodman. The woman never bloody ages as well! She looks exactly the same as she did circa 2006 as she does today! She is so strikingly gorgeous and funny too! With a new Veronica Mars film, of which she stars, her career seems to be building.

Audrey Kitching, my ultimate Scene Queen. Myspace had me hooked on Audrey’s style. Big pink hair, loads of black eye makeup and girlfriend to lead singer of Panic! at the Disco?! I wanted to be Audrey Kitching. Although a little more toned down these days and far more style aware, she has designed her own clothes branded Coco De Coeur and Tokyo Luxe. I have been a fan of Audrey’s blog for years now – a mix of photo shoots, DIY projects, spirituality and fashion/beauty, it is a favourite of mine. And then there is that face! So so pretty and such perfectly coloured hair…I want it!

Paloma Faith, one of my spirit animals. Kooky, funny, intelligent and talented plus she is an absolute stunner! I love how Paloma, even on her less glamorous days, is more put together and perfect than the rest of us on our best days – it all looks so effortless as well. Her hair and make up are always flawless. Another multi talented lady, Paloma is an actress as well as a songstress but before the fame she worked in retail and even as a magicians assistant. Could she be any more awesome?

Sandra Beijer is my favourite blogger. Unfortunately I have to read everything she blogs about through google translate as she is Swedish, which doesn’t give the most accurate account but you can get the general jist. I have been reading Sandra’s blog since 2006 and I have read every single post. I am very excited to read her first novel ‘Det Handlar Om Dig’, which translates to ‘it’s all about you’, once it has been translated. If Alice in Wonderland was half as awesome and had a blog, I like to think it would look a lot like this. The photos are beautiful and Sandra was the main inspiration for me wanting to blog (and actually stick to it). She is so cute with the most amazing wardrobe. I almost feel as if i know her after reading her blog for so long. I have seen her relationships and friendships, family and travels. And her recipes are excellent too! A little something for everyone. Best best blogger.

Louise Pentland (/Watson) goes by the handle Sprinkle of Glitter on YouTube. Her informal blogging/beauty blogs are a breath of fresh air and some of my favourites to watch. Someone you wish was your friend and a wonderful mother to baby glitter (Darcy). Another fellow pink haired lady, Louise is one of my favourites. Her recent vlogs from Florida were the best ones (bar Louis Cole’s) that I watched. Have I mentioned I am a YouTube addict?! Plus, her new friendship with Jack Howard and Ben Cook means that there is more of them to watch too, yay! If you like a little humour, honesty and a relaxed style to your your YouTube viewing, go and check out Louise’s channel, it will not disappoint. She is beautiful too and her hair always looks amazing.

Kristen Bell will forever be my favourite teenage super sleuth Veronica Mars. I have loved Kristen bell since I was about 15 and first saw Veronica Mars in action. Okay, so I thought the character was cool but as she has got older and people are realising more of her potential, Kristen has become a much sought after actress. And with that face and figure, why on earth wouldn’t the movie execs be breaking down her door? Her reaction to Sloths is one of the best thing I have ever seen and her philanthropic work is inspiring too. Actress, singer and all round beauty!

Tess Munster is, in my opinion, the best plus size model out there. Firstly because she is actually plus size, secondly because she is gorgeous and lastly and most importantly – she is helping women of all shapes and sizes feel better about themselves and boosting their confidence with her campaign #effyourbeautystandards. An inspiration to all women, not just those of us over a size 12 – to love who you are, what you look like and not be defined by other peoples opinions. I want her clothes, hair, makeup and confidence.

Kelly Osbourne has been a firm favourite in my books for over 10 years now. When I first saw her on The Osbournes in 2002, I thought she was the coolest person and my opinion of her has never really wavered from that stand point. Kelly has had her ups and downs in life but I am so glad to see her really on top these days. She looks incredible and she seems settled with her amazing opportunities and job. Her life over the past few years has been a real inspiration – she sorted out her life, got fit and healthy and landed an awesome job on the Fashion Police. I have always admired Kelly Osbourne and I can’t see that ending any time soon. Also, her hair is to dye for and she always always looks amazing. Oh, and the diamond manicures!

Haley Williams…I don’t even know where to start with my love for her. She is an absolute pocket rocket with the most amazing talent. A tiny gorgeous orange haired lady that bounces around the stage with an effortlessly belting voice is something to behold. I have been a fan of Paramore since I was 15/16 and I have seen them live about 5 times – they, and especially Hayley, have never disappointed. I cannot tell you how many times I have wanted to be her over the years. Awesome coloured hair, an incredible figure and the most magnificent voice. She is by far my favourite (and, in my opinion, one of the best) female vocalist. Whether you like their music or not, you cannot deny that Haley Williams has an amazing voice.

Well that completes the first ever Woman Crush Wednesday. I hope you enjoyed this post and that if you didn’t know about some of these beautiful ladies, you will go and check them out. This post was fun to write and I like talking about the female influences on my life as apposed to stunningly handsome men for a change. If you have any women you think should be included in my blog, please leave me a comment. 

Love never wanted me, but I took it anyway

My brain wont let me write cohesive sentences on another post that I am writing, so I am taking a break from that and I have got my old diaries out. This post is going to be more than cringe worthy as we delve into my adolescent mind. Oh yes, due to writers block and trying to get my old photos and such back from Myspace/Deviant Art, this is where we have ended up today. I am going to type out some of journal entries and such. Are you ready? I’m not sure I am.

Saturday 17/5/03 (written in neon pink gel pen, duh)
“Went to the cinema yesterday evening with: Erika, Med, Joe and Damien. We saw ‘how 2 lose a guy in 10 days’. It was BULLSHIT!
But n e way Ms. Renouf has left and now we have Ms. Powers for a form teacher noooooooooo! She is such a BITCH!
Oh n Damien pissed on Sprout, Danny shat on the floor and Damien pissed on this bar and some boy started swinging on it and said “eww its wet!” (lol). I am listening to this album on full vol. It’s so good and next Friday I am going to the concord 2 to see Teenspirit so yeh, that’ll be good and I’ve recently got back in touch with Allie (yay)”

Tuesday 22/7/03
“Broke up from school on Friday and went to Jo and Sam’s party. Then on Sat me + Erika went 2 westdene with Damien, Sprout and Joe. On Sunday we didn’t do anything. On Monday we were meant to be meeting Matt and Sprout at the Pier but they couldn’t be arsed, so we caught a bus 2 westdene and met them there. Then we lit cathrine wheels on Matt’s foot, which melted his laces, went back to his house and then to Erika’s. Today I went shopping with my mum and I got a red and black stripey top and fishnets. Hopefully meeting Sprout, Matt, Damien and Erika in town 2moro, I’ll let you know. Anyway, Erika so so fancies Sprout! ne way, c ya!”

Friday 24/10/03

Wednesday 14/1/04
“Haven’t written in here for ages. CKY was amazing! Em caught Vern’s beanie and Erika got Chad’s plectrum. Christmas was good too. Em has gone now so it’s just me and Erika, we’re having lots of fun. Martha and Rabbit went out for just over a month. Me and Rik have started to see more of the Munchkins again, this time the Gopher included. For my b-day I wanted to see the Lostprophets but my parents are being mean and wont let me go! Which is a major crisis. I am in the middle of tidying my bedroom at the moment, bye!”

Wednesday 28/3/04
“Haven’t written in ages again. Anyway, my Birthday was good on the Friday. Rabbit, Anton and Dom all stayed at Erika’s. Joe was meant to come, but he was ill. 45!!! Saturday I think i went into town and on Sunday Erika stayed here and some family came over. I haven’t spent much time at home on the weekends recently. Erika’s going out with Joel in year 10 who is in alices garden. Life is running pretty smoothly at the moment. This is a waste of a page so I am going to use it up – ah yes – we’ve fallen out with Sprout so the Munchkins no longer exist, but Gopher and Willy-arms have fallen out with him too, so we still see them and Dom, Joe, Rabbit, Sukelam, and Anton. So yeah, anyway my arm aches and I have to go to sleep now. Night night. x”

Monday 28/6/04
“The Vines were great! We met Craig Nicholls twice and he signed stuff for us and I have Hamish’s plectrum. Teen Spirit was good but the after party was crap. So we had a food fight. Been going to the lagoon lately and we all get a bit drunk. There are usually loads of us that go eg: Ollie and Naz, they’re really lovely, Patrick, Joe, Dom, Louis, Minty, Lucy, Maisy, Zak, Jake, Caz, Matt, Anton, Max, me, Erika, Dan and Matt. Oh me and Erika went to see InMeon the 20/4. They were so fucking amazing! We Also met them, got stuff signed and had photos taken with them. And we got photos with Xisloaded and S.O.S, who Vicky knows! She gave me his MSN.  🙂 ❤ I’m going to Palmeira sq. on Friday and seeing millions of people. ALCOHOL! And on Saturday I’m going to Erika’s gig so that will be good.”

Monday 25/10/04
“God, this half term has been pretty full, yet I feel as if I haven’t really done anything. Friday – saw Ollie, Matt and Naz then Erika stayed over. Saturday – saw Luke, Louis and some other people. We went into town and then I stayed at Erika’s with Louis and Anton. We played with fire pois, got drunk and went to the park. Sunday – didn’t do much. Monday – went into town with Erika to get her Reuben ticket, we went to the beach and Palmeira sq. We were ‘crime busting’, then we met up with Matt, Ollie, Naz, Milo and Orpin and spent a few hours with them. Tuesday – didn’t do much. Wednesday – saw Sarah fir a few hours and I stayed at Erika’s with Louis, Anton and Matt. Max and WillyArms popped round. Anton threw up from being too stoned. Thursday – went into town with Erika, Laurence, Jas and David, that was loads of fun! Friday – nothing much, Erika stayed the night. Saturday – went into town with Erika and Lara to buy a pirate hat, fairy wings and masks for the gig. Then we met up with Matt, Ollie and Naz to go to the gig.”

Tuesday 16/11/04
“Lara had a party, which was so fucking amazing!!! There were so many people there: Me, Erika, Matt, Naz, Emo James, Liza, Tom, Sadie, Kaz, Sarah, Cetacea, Alex, Chris, Rich, Sam, Jo, Med, Lara, Lizzi, Joe, Matt, Max, Louis, Anton, Luke and Jack. It was so good and everyone was being so nice to eachother! We walked home at 7:30am the next morning and got back to Erikas about 8:30 but then we decided we wanted McDonalds breakfast, so we hopped on a bus into town. This Friday just gone we went to Nevil Wreck and had a rave in the dark…there were over 50 people there because loads of people got kicked out of Liam’s party so they came. It was so great. Well I’m off to go on the computer and talk to people who answer back.”

Friday 26/11/04
“I stayed at Erika’s on the Friday which was fun. Although all of our other friends had gone to Max’s. The fuse went that controlled the TV, computer and radio. It was scary because we decided it could be a terrorist attack because all means of communication were down haha. We phoned Matt to come and save us but he just laughed. But him and Louis were going to come down with a big fuck off knife and tap on the window with it. Luckily they didn’t and we fixed the fuse. Then we went back to watching The Locals.”

Thursday 17/3/05
“Well it has been a while since I last wrote. I went to see THE USED!!! It was fucking awesome! Me and Med had a joint birthday party! that was so awesome too. Kaz had a party and that was wicked! Gemma had a party, that was cool. I got way too drunk and had a bad hangover. I am going to see Willy Mason soon and Hot Hot Heat! And Jack has cut his hair short!!!”

Wednesday 1/2/06
“16 today! But I haven’t written in ages. Some stuff that’s happened: Erika and Kaz’s birthday – so much fun! Blue Water – also great fun! Christmas was good too. NYE – Up for 2 days drunk 🙂 fun!
Panic! at the disco and The Academy Is.. at the Astoria with Erika was so so good! And train rides with Erika are so much fun.”

5/5/07
Okay, so Give It A Name was absolutely amazing! I had so much fun, I miss it already. Kit, Rose and Simon were probably the best people I could have gone with. I love Kit, he’s so funny. Rose and I drank A LOT over the weekend and spoke to a lot of random people. The music was awesome too – so great seeing The Used again! Enter Shikari are SO GOOD LIVE! On Friday we got there at 12 and started drinking and talking to random people. On the Saturday it was a nightmare getting up there again, we had to get bus and a train with what felt like an entire football stadium’s worth of people. The rest of the day was amazing though and then it took us 2 and a half hours to get home. Someone had How To Save A Life on repeat, which drove us all mad and some lady was barefoot and massaging her husbands balls…gross. Sunday was probably the best day though. We got there around 2 and started drinking, then we met up with Matt and Tess and lots of other random people who I glittered up. We were so drunk on the way home we all fell in a pile on the floor of Victoria station before doing kart wheels…BEST WEEKEND EVER! And I am going to see the Klaxons on the 19th with Rose!!! YAY.”

Well that wasn’t so bad…although thankfully you didn’t get to read every entry I have ever made. Phew. I hope you enjoy the ones that I have shared. Oh, nostalgia.